Two cows are standing in a field.
One says to the other "Are you worried about mad cow disease?"
The other one says "No, it doesn't worry me, I'm a horse!"
August 3, 2010
Dam Fish
There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish. He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."
A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.
The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."
The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.
His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that."
The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish.
His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass those fucking potatoes!"
A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.
The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."
The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.
His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that."
The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish.
His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass those fucking potatoes!"
The Merciful Fisherman
A man went fishing one day. He looked over the side of his boat and saw a snake with a frog in its mouth. Feeling sorry for the frog, he reached down, gently took the frog from the snake, and set the frog free.
But then he felt sorry for the snake. He looked around the boat, but he had no food. All he had was a bottle of bourbon. So he opened the bottle and gave the snake a few shots. The snake went off happy, the frog was happy, and the man was happy to have performed such good deeds.
He thought everything was great until about ten minutes passed and he heard something knock against the side of the boat. With stunned disbelief, the fisherman looked down and saw the snake was back with two frogs!
But then he felt sorry for the snake. He looked around the boat, but he had no food. All he had was a bottle of bourbon. So he opened the bottle and gave the snake a few shots. The snake went off happy, the frog was happy, and the man was happy to have performed such good deeds.
He thought everything was great until about ten minutes passed and he heard something knock against the side of the boat. With stunned disbelief, the fisherman looked down and saw the snake was back with two frogs!
The Unreasonable Game Warden
A couple went on vacation to a resort up north. The husband liked to fish, and the wife liked to read. One morning the husband came back from fishing after getting up really early that morning and took a nap.
While he slept, the wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake, so she rowed out and anchored the boat, and started reading her book.
Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside the woman's boat and asks her what she's doing?
She says, "Reading my book."
The Game Warden tells her she is in a restricted fishing area. She explains that she's not fishing.
To which he replied, "But you have all this equipment. I will have to take you in and write you up!"
Angry that the warden was being so unreasonable, the lady told the warden, "If you do that, I will charge you with rape."
The warden, shocked by her statement, replied, "But I didn't even touch you."
To which the lady replied, "Yeah, but you have all the equipment!"
While he slept, the wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake, so she rowed out and anchored the boat, and started reading her book.
Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside the woman's boat and asks her what she's doing?
She says, "Reading my book."
The Game Warden tells her she is in a restricted fishing area. She explains that she's not fishing.
To which he replied, "But you have all this equipment. I will have to take you in and write you up!"
Angry that the warden was being so unreasonable, the lady told the warden, "If you do that, I will charge you with rape."
The warden, shocked by her statement, replied, "But I didn't even touch you."
To which the lady replied, "Yeah, but you have all the equipment!"
Fisherman's Wife
Woman cleaning fish at sink to fisherman husband, "Why can't you be like other men? They never catch anything."
It Could Be Worse
A traveller came up to a fisherman. "Having any luck?" "Not so bad", the fisherman replied. "I haven't had a bite in three hours." "What's so good about that?", the traveller asked in surprise. "You see that guy over there? Well he hasn't had a bite in six hours."
Brazillionaire
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident."
"Oh No!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sits, head in hands. Finally, the President looks up and asks...
"How many is a Brazillion?!"
"Oh No!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sits, head in hands. Finally, the President looks up and asks...
"How many is a Brazillion?!"
Successful Surgery
Three Texas plastic surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.
One of them said, "I'm the best plastic surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."
One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in 5 field events in the Olympics."
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of the United States."
One of them said, "I'm the best plastic surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."
One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in 5 field events in the Olympics."
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of the United States."
The Rest of the World? What is It?
A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure...
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
The survey was a huge failure...
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
America versus Russia
The Americans and Russians, at the height of the arms race, realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.
One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.
The Russians found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were three inches thick and nobody could get near it.
When the day came for the fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine-foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.
When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out and wrapped itself around the outside of the ring. It had the Russian dog almost completely surrounded. When the Russian dog leaned over to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund reached out and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.
The Russians came up to the Americans, shaking their heads in disbelief. `We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves."
"That's nothing," an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."
One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.
The Russians found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were three inches thick and nobody could get near it.
When the day came for the fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine-foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.
When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out and wrapped itself around the outside of the ring. It had the Russian dog almost completely surrounded. When the Russian dog leaned over to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund reached out and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.
The Russians came up to the Americans, shaking their heads in disbelief. `We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves."
"That's nothing," an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."
EuroEnglish
The European Commission have just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's govt conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish": In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"'s in the language is disgraceful, and they should go away. By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaiining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.
ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!!
ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!!
Intelligent Radio
A lady bought a new Lexus. Cost a bundle. Two days later, she brought it back complaining that the radio wasn't working.
"Madam", said the sales maneger, "the audio system in this car is completly automated. All you need to do is tell it what you want to listen to and you will hear exactly that!"
She drives out, somewhat amazed and a little confused. She looked at the radio and said, "Nelson". The radio responded, "Ricky or Willie?" Soon she was speeding down the highway to the sounds of "On the road again". The lady was astounded. If she wanted Beethoven, that's what she got. If she wanted Nat King Cole, she got it.
Stopped at an intersection, her light turned green and she pulled out. Off to her right, out of the corner of her eye, she saw a small sports utility vehicle speeding toward her. She swerved and narrowly missed a collision. "Asshole...", she muttered. And from the radio... "Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States...
"Madam", said the sales maneger, "the audio system in this car is completly automated. All you need to do is tell it what you want to listen to and you will hear exactly that!"
She drives out, somewhat amazed and a little confused. She looked at the radio and said, "Nelson". The radio responded, "Ricky or Willie?" Soon she was speeding down the highway to the sounds of "On the road again". The lady was astounded. If she wanted Beethoven, that's what she got. If she wanted Nat King Cole, she got it.
Stopped at an intersection, her light turned green and she pulled out. Off to her right, out of the corner of her eye, she saw a small sports utility vehicle speeding toward her. She swerved and narrowly missed a collision. "Asshole...", she muttered. And from the radio... "Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States...
The Land of Oz
Dan Quayle, Newt Gingrich, and Bill Clinton are traveling in a car together in the Midwest, when suddenly a tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away. When they come down and pull themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the land of Oz. Naturally, they decide to go to see the Wizard of Oz.
Says Quayle, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain."
Says Gingrich, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart."
Clinton says, "Where's Dorothy?"
Says Quayle, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain."
Says Gingrich, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart."
Clinton says, "Where's Dorothy?"
A Ghost From Puerto Rico
This story was told to me by my uncle. It happened in Puerto Rico around the mid to late 1940, during this time Puerto Rico was rural and to get from one place to another you either went during the day or carried a lantern or braved the dark. Well ghostly stories started circulating around the small town about a ghostly figure which was seen on one of the roads standing near a tree by one of the town residents. The resident claimed that this entity had chased him all the way home. Well of course, stories are embellished and added to just to make them seem a bit more terrifying and soon the ghost took on the appearance of Satan himself.
Well my uncle had heard the story and being the coward that he was, and still is, he had made it a point to leave the home of the young woman he was courting early so that he would not have to risk the darkness and the ghost.
One evening while visiting his girlfriend there was a rainstorm so the girl’s father insisted that my uncle stay there till after the storm was over. My Uncle didn't want to stay but was too embarrassed to tell the father that he wanted to go because he was afraid to walk home in the dark. Well as fate would have it, it rained on and on and by the time it had stopped it was around 9pm. My uncle was anxious to get home so saying goodbye to his girlfriend and taking off his shoes so as not to ruin them in the mud, he began walk towards home.
When he was far enough from the home where he could not be watched he picked up a large fallen tree limb and a few stones and flinging his shoes over his shoulder continued to walk. Whistling to himself in order to keep the rising fear from overtaking him. Well a few miles down the deserted dark road he heard a noise and feeling nervous and scared he quickened his steps to a slow run. Suddenly out of nowhere he heard a scraping sound and looking forward towards a tree that was in front of the path he stopped dead in his tracks.
There in the darkness was a dark figure leaning against the tree.
Well, my uncle racking his brains on how to best handle the situation stopped and began calling out «Quien Vive» or «Who Lives» 3 times (legend has it that when confronted with a ghost or spirit you call out «who lives» 3 times and if they don't answer it's a ghost. There was no answer. He thought of turning around and taking a longer route but being that it was already late and knowing his father would be angry and beat him for being late he decided he could not turn back.
So in a moment of bravery, my uncle took a running leap towards the figure and began pounding it with the stones and the tree limb he had been carrying. After successfully knocking the Ghost over and beating it to a pulp he jumped up and ran for home. Arriving at the door he found his father waiting and proceeded to tell him what had happened. His father thinking that he was just trying to get out of punishment said «Boy your such a coward it was probably only your imagination besides how can you possibly beat up a spirit, and your past your curfew and will be punished in the morning!.»
Well that next morning when his father was preparing to whip my uncle for having broken curfew they where interrupted by the sound of a cart coming down the road. In the cart were my uncle's girlfriend's father and her brother who was all bruised and looked as if he had been severely beaten. The father jump off the wagon approaching my uncle and asked him «On the way home last night did you see anything? Because my son was walking down the road when someone jumped him and beat him with stones and a rod? I've told the boy never to walk that road where the devil appears». My uncle suddenly realized to his horror that he was the attacker, and began sweating at the thought of a worse beating. When his father walked up and said «No, my son did not travel that road he took the long way home and is being punished» his father was so amused that he let my uncle off the hook. And what's even funnier is that the Ghost was never seen again.
Years later my uncle ran into the young man from so long ago, and they exchanged stories about that night. Evidently, this young man was having fun scaring the locals by hiding in the bushes, when he saw my uncle leave for home he went and took his usual hiding place to scare him. Knowing that my uncle had beaten him and knowing that his punishment would be more severe if his father found out the he was the ghost he never told the true story and chose to say that he did not see his attacker. Happily they were able to laugh about it but goes to show you scaring others is definitely not good.
Well my uncle had heard the story and being the coward that he was, and still is, he had made it a point to leave the home of the young woman he was courting early so that he would not have to risk the darkness and the ghost.
One evening while visiting his girlfriend there was a rainstorm so the girl’s father insisted that my uncle stay there till after the storm was over. My Uncle didn't want to stay but was too embarrassed to tell the father that he wanted to go because he was afraid to walk home in the dark. Well as fate would have it, it rained on and on and by the time it had stopped it was around 9pm. My uncle was anxious to get home so saying goodbye to his girlfriend and taking off his shoes so as not to ruin them in the mud, he began walk towards home.
When he was far enough from the home where he could not be watched he picked up a large fallen tree limb and a few stones and flinging his shoes over his shoulder continued to walk. Whistling to himself in order to keep the rising fear from overtaking him. Well a few miles down the deserted dark road he heard a noise and feeling nervous and scared he quickened his steps to a slow run. Suddenly out of nowhere he heard a scraping sound and looking forward towards a tree that was in front of the path he stopped dead in his tracks.
There in the darkness was a dark figure leaning against the tree.
Well, my uncle racking his brains on how to best handle the situation stopped and began calling out «Quien Vive» or «Who Lives» 3 times (legend has it that when confronted with a ghost or spirit you call out «who lives» 3 times and if they don't answer it's a ghost. There was no answer. He thought of turning around and taking a longer route but being that it was already late and knowing his father would be angry and beat him for being late he decided he could not turn back.
So in a moment of bravery, my uncle took a running leap towards the figure and began pounding it with the stones and the tree limb he had been carrying. After successfully knocking the Ghost over and beating it to a pulp he jumped up and ran for home. Arriving at the door he found his father waiting and proceeded to tell him what had happened. His father thinking that he was just trying to get out of punishment said «Boy your such a coward it was probably only your imagination besides how can you possibly beat up a spirit, and your past your curfew and will be punished in the morning!.»
Well that next morning when his father was preparing to whip my uncle for having broken curfew they where interrupted by the sound of a cart coming down the road. In the cart were my uncle's girlfriend's father and her brother who was all bruised and looked as if he had been severely beaten. The father jump off the wagon approaching my uncle and asked him «On the way home last night did you see anything? Because my son was walking down the road when someone jumped him and beat him with stones and a rod? I've told the boy never to walk that road where the devil appears». My uncle suddenly realized to his horror that he was the attacker, and began sweating at the thought of a worse beating. When his father walked up and said «No, my son did not travel that road he took the long way home and is being punished» his father was so amused that he let my uncle off the hook. And what's even funnier is that the Ghost was never seen again.
Years later my uncle ran into the young man from so long ago, and they exchanged stories about that night. Evidently, this young man was having fun scaring the locals by hiding in the bushes, when he saw my uncle leave for home he went and took his usual hiding place to scare him. Knowing that my uncle had beaten him and knowing that his punishment would be more severe if his father found out the he was the ghost he never told the true story and chose to say that he did not see his attacker. Happily they were able to laugh about it but goes to show you scaring others is definitely not good.
How to Shoot a Ghost
According to Psychic News, London, a French farmer has an unfortunate accident after watching a horror movie late at night. It seems that shortly after retiring, Michel Maumond, 40, reported seeing "a ghost in white at the foot of my bed." The frightened Maumond grabbed his gun and subsequently shot-off the toes of one of his feet.
Maumond has since determined that from now on he will stick to reading safe books at night.
Maumond has since determined that from now on he will stick to reading safe books at night.
Anomaly
"Doctor, I need your help," the woman says.
"What seems to be the problem?"
"My husband just doesn't satisfy me sexually. What can I do?"
"Hmmm. That's a bit out of my league. Has HE seen a doctor?"
"Yes, he has. He is perfectly OK. He just isn't enough for me. You've got to help me!"
"Er ... Why don't you take a lover?"
"I have! I still don't get enough."
"Take another lover."
"I did. In fact, I have eight lovers - and I still don't get enough sex!"
"Gosh, that's an anomaly."
"Oh, Doctor! Please tell them it's an anomaly! They all keep telling me I'm a whore!"
"What seems to be the problem?"
"My husband just doesn't satisfy me sexually. What can I do?"
"Hmmm. That's a bit out of my league. Has HE seen a doctor?"
"Yes, he has. He is perfectly OK. He just isn't enough for me. You've got to help me!"
"Er ... Why don't you take a lover?"
"I have! I still don't get enough."
"Take another lover."
"I did. In fact, I have eight lovers - and I still don't get enough sex!"
"Gosh, that's an anomaly."
"Oh, Doctor! Please tell them it's an anomaly! They all keep telling me I'm a whore!"
The Best
The moon shown silver on the waters of the lake, and the waves that were beating on the shore were hardly equal in intensity to the waves of passion nearby. One ardent couple paused long enough for the young man to whisper, "Darling am I the first man to make love to you?"
Her tone upon answering was slightly more than irritable. "Of course you are!" she said. "And also the best too. I don't know why you men always ask the same old ridiculous questions."
Her tone upon answering was slightly more than irritable. "Of course you are!" she said. "And also the best too. I don't know why you men always ask the same old ridiculous questions."
The Bird of True Love
If the bird of wisdom is an owl, and the bird of peace is the dove, what is the bird of true love?
The Swallow.
The Swallow.
How Much for a Season Pass?
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"
Deep Voice
A man walks along a lonely beach. Suddenly he hears a deep voice: "Dig!"
He looks around: nobody's there. "I am having hallucinations", he thinks. Then he hears the voice again: "I said, dig!"
So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after some inches, he finds a small chest with a rusty lock. The deep voice says: "Open!"
Ok, the man thinks, let's open the thing. He finds a rock with which to destroy the lock, and when the chest is finally open, he sees a lot of gold coins. The deep voice says: "To the casino!"
Well the casino is only a few miles away, so the man takes the chest and walks to the casino. The deep voice says: "Roulette!"
So he changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette tokens and goes to one of the tables, where the players gaze at him with disbelief. The deep voice says: "27!"
He takes the whole pile and drops it at the 27. The table nearly bursts. Everybody is quiet when the croupier throws the ball. The ball stops at the 26. The deep voice says: "Shit!"
He looks around: nobody's there. "I am having hallucinations", he thinks. Then he hears the voice again: "I said, dig!"
So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after some inches, he finds a small chest with a rusty lock. The deep voice says: "Open!"
Ok, the man thinks, let's open the thing. He finds a rock with which to destroy the lock, and when the chest is finally open, he sees a lot of gold coins. The deep voice says: "To the casino!"
Well the casino is only a few miles away, so the man takes the chest and walks to the casino. The deep voice says: "Roulette!"
So he changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette tokens and goes to one of the tables, where the players gaze at him with disbelief. The deep voice says: "27!"
He takes the whole pile and drops it at the 27. The table nearly bursts. Everybody is quiet when the croupier throws the ball. The ball stops at the 26. The deep voice says: "Shit!"
Rightful Heir
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"
"My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000."
"Gee, that's tough," he replied.
"Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died leaving me $50,000."
"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."
"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."
"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."
"Then this month," continued the friend, "nothing!"
"My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000."
"Gee, that's tough," he replied.
"Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died leaving me $50,000."
"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."
"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."
"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."
"Then this month," continued the friend, "nothing!"
Rooster in Pants
A salesman is talking to a farmer when he looks over and sees a rooster wearing pants, a shirt, and suspenders. He says, "What the hell is that all about?"
The farmer says, "We had a fire in the chicken coop and all his feathers got singed off, so the wife made him some clothes to keep him warm. There ain't nothing funnier than watching him try to hold down a hen with one foot and get his pants down with the other."
The farmer says, "We had a fire in the chicken coop and all his feathers got singed off, so the wife made him some clothes to keep him warm. There ain't nothing funnier than watching him try to hold down a hen with one foot and get his pants down with the other."
Three Kinds
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?'
The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there are three kinds of Boobs. In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm. In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions'.
'Onions?'
'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, 'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?'.
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'
'A Christmas tree?'
'Yes - the root's dead and the balls are just for decoration.'
The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there are three kinds of Boobs. In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm. In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions'.
'Onions?'
'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, 'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?'.
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'
'A Christmas tree?'
'Yes - the root's dead and the balls are just for decoration.'
Stuck
Wife comes home to find the old man shagging the dog in the front room.
"My God Henry", she screams, "I know you've had other woman but this time you've gone too far!"
"You may be right" he says, "I think I'm stuck."
"My God Henry", she screams, "I know you've had other woman but this time you've gone too far!"
"You may be right" he says, "I think I'm stuck."
Season Ticket
Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."
"Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.
Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?"
"Absolutely not," he said.
"How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not."
"Season's more than half over," he said.
"Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.
Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?"
"Absolutely not," he said.
"How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not."
"Season's more than half over," he said.
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