The Secretary of Defense is briefing President Bush on Iraq. "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"Oh no!" exclaims the president, "That's terrible!"
His staff is stunned at this unprecedented display of emotion, watching as Bush sits, head in hands.
Finally, he looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"
August 18, 2010
Only in America
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures."
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures."
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
President
Why did Senator Hillary Clinton decide run for office?
She'd already been President for 8 years.
She'd already been President for 8 years.
August 17, 2010
A clear moral
One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell a story. Suzy said, "Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket." Next is little Lucy. "Well, my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Lucy replies "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched." Last is little Billy. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands". The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story. Billy replies, "Don't fuck with uncle Ted when he's been drinking."
Homework
One day, when Billy came home from school, his mom asked him how his day went. He said, "We're learning about sexual education." She smiled, and said, "At least he's learning something usefull." Billy went up to his room. A little later, Billy's mom went up to his room to call him down to dinner. She opens his door and sees him jerking off. She says, "Billy, when you're done with your homework, supper's on the table."
Finding the right answers
Did you hear about the 10 year old boy who asked his recently divorced mother her age? She told him that was not a question to ask and that he shouldn't ask it again. He then asked her her weight. She, once again, told him that she wouldn't answer the question and that he shouldn't ask it again. The next question he asked was why she and Daddy got divorced. Once again, she told him that it was not a question he should ask and to not ask that question again. He went away. A few minutes later, she found him digging in her purse. She asked what he was doing and as he turn toward his mother, he beamingly told her he had found all the answers to his questions by looking at her driver's license. He said, "Mother, you're 34 years old, weigh 125 pounds and Daddy divorced you because you got an 'F' in sex."
A teacher was working with a group of underprivileged children
A teacher was working with a group of underprivileged children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration. With their eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice stones to pine cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits. Then one day, the teacher brought in a great variety of lifesavers, more flavors than you could ever imagine. "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these," announced the teacher. Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher had them put honey flavored lifesavers in their mouths, every one of the children was stumped. "I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your Daddy and Mommy probably call each other all the time." Instantly, one of the children spat the lifesaver out of his mouth and shouted, "Spit 'em out, you guys, they're assholes!"
Matering checking
Her teenage son was having trouble mastering the fine points of balancing his new checking account. "The bank returned the check you wrote to the sporting goods store," she said. "Oh good," he said, "Now I can use it to buy some stereo equipment!"
Little Johnny catches his parents
Little Johnny catches his parents going at it. He yells in, "Hey, Pop! What are you doin'?" His father says, "Son, I'm filling your mother's tank." Johnny says, "Oh, yeah? Well, you better get a model that gets better mileage. The postman filled her this morning."
A man was taking his wife...
A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed. Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless world-class practical joker, sitting at his bed side. He asked his brother how his wife was and his brother replied, "Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you." The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has he done now?" and said with trepidation, "Well what did you name them?" The brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise." The husband, relieved, said, "That's a very pretty name! What did you come up with for my son?" The brother replied, "Denephew."
A necessary condition
There were three little boys visiting their grandparents. The oldest came out and asked his grandpa, "Can you make a sound like a frog, Grandpappy? Grandpa (being in a kind of ill mood) responds, "No, I don't really want to make the sound of a frog now." So, the second little boy comes out and asks his grandfather, "Will you please make a sound like a frog?" Grandpa again says, "No, not now. I don't really want to do that. I'm in a grumpy mood. Maybe later." Then the third little boy comes out and says, "Grandpa, oh please... Please, please will you make a sound like a frog?" "Why do all of you boys want me to make a sound like a frog?" Grandpa asked. The little boy replied with a hopeful face, "Well, Mom said that when you croak we get to go to Disney World!"
Earn it hiking
A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a very fancy new 10 speed bike. "Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300." "Easy, Dad," the boy replied. "I earned it hiking." "Come on," the father said. "Tell me the truth." "That is the truth," the boy replied. "Every night you were gone, Mr. Reynolds from the grocery store would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!"
One day in class
One day in class the teacher has sex education.On the black board she draws a penis then asks the class if any of them knows what it is.In the back of the room,Dirty Johnny stands and says "That's a penis,and my father has two of them". The teacher looks surprised and asks "What do you mean,two?"Dirty Johnny responds,"A little one to pee,and a big one to brush the baby sitters teeth."
"Winnie The ????"
It was the first day after Christmas vacation in a 3rd grade class. The teacher told the class that each student could tell the class one thing they got for Christmas. So, the teacher calls on a girl to come up to the front of the class and tell everyone 1 thing she got. "My daddy got me a Bow-Wow," she said. The teacher tells the class that they are old enough to know the correct words for things without using nicknames. The teacher tells the girl to try again. The girl thinks real hard ........ "My dad got me a dog," she said. She sat down and a boy got up and said, "I got a choo-choo!" The teacher scolded him and told him to try again. The boy thought hard and said, "I got an electric train!!" That boy sits down and a really shy kid gets up and sadly says, "I got a book" The teacher feels bad for the kid and she asks, "What was the title of the book??" The boy thinks very hard. The class waits as the boy is thinking. Finally, the boys face brightened and he said, "Winnie The Shit!!"
The Hazards of Kicking the Cat
There was a little boy with a bad attitude. He was at home one day doing his chores. He was feeding the chickens and he got mad and kicked one across the yard. He was feeding the hogs and got mad and kicked the hell out of one of them also. He was milking the cow and it kept hitting him in the face with its tail so he kicked it, too. His mom had been watching him and told him he couldn't have any chicken, beef, or pork for a month because he was a mean little bastard. She told him to wait 'til his dad got home. His dad came home and tripped over the pussy cat and he got mad and kicked that cat across the room. The little boy looked at his mom and said, "Are you going to tell him or am I?"
little Billy comes home from kindergarten for lunch
One day, little Billy comes home from kindergarten for lunch. Not finding his mother in the kitchen, or the living room, he heads upstairs to check her bedroom. He opens the door, and what does he see, but his father, who had also come home for lunch, stripped naked, on top of his mother, also naked, heavily into the act of lovemaking. Not wanting to traumatize the boy, the parents continue as if nothing was wrong. Billy watches, and after a couple of minutes asks,"Daddy, can I climb on and have a horsie ride?" "Of course, Son, we're a family." So Billy climbs on and after a few more minutes his mother starts moaning and writhing wildly. "Hang on Dad!", cries Billy, "this is where me and the mailman usually falls off!"
the first day of school
It was the first day of school, and the elementary school teacher was establishing the fact that she'd take no nonsense from the kiddies this year. While taking the roll, she was told by one boy "My name is Johnny Fuckhauer". So she said "There'll be none of that kind of thing this year, Johnny; tell me your REAL name!". The kid said "No, really teacher, it IS Johnny Fuckhauer. You can go across the hall to fourth grade and ask my brother if you don't believe me!" Not wanting to be subjected to that kind of thing, the teacher went across the hall and knocked on the fourth grade classroom door. The fourth grade teacher had stepped down the hall to the front office for a moment, so she entered the room and directly asked the class "Do you have a Fuckhauer in here?" "Hell no!" replied a little kid from the front row, "We don't even get a cookie break!"
An 8 year old boy
An 8 year old boy walks home from school each day past an 8 year old girls house. One day as he is passing by, carrying a football, he can't resist taunting the girl. He holds up the football and says, "See this football? Football is a boys game, and only boys can have a football!". The little girl runs into the house and cries to her mother, "I want a football!" Being a woman of the 90's, her mother runs out and gets her one. The next day the girl is waiting for the little boy and he rides up on his bike. She holds up the football, "Nah Nah Nah Nah". The little boy angryly points to his bike and says, "Oh yeah, well this is a boys bike and only boys get boys bikes and you can't have one!" She runs in to mom and the next day is waiting for him on her new boys bike. The little boy gets furious and pulls down his pants, and pointing to his most private of parts says, "Look, only boys have these and your mom can't buy you one!!!". The next day he walks by and asks her, "Well, I guess I showed you!" to which she promptly pulls up her dress, points to her parts and proclaims "My mother tells me that as long as I have one of these I can have as many of THOSE as I want!
THE IRS LETTER...
THE IRS LETTER... Dear Sirs: I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three dependents I claimed on my 1996 Federal Tax return. Thank you. I have questioned whether these are my children or not for years. They are evil and expensive. It's only fair, since they are minors and not my responsbility, that the government (who evidently is taxing me more to care for these waifs) knows something about them and what to expect over the next year. You may apply next year to reassign them to me and reinstate the deduction. This year they are yours! The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brillant. Ask her! I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze. Next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little expense. While you mull that over, keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment so you have the immediate decision of appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle or getting up early to drive her to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, and in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable and I am quite relieved you will be handling this in the future. May I suggest that you reinstate Jocelyn Elders who had a rather good handle on the problem. Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a little close together for normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself one day if you do not incarcerate him first. In February, I was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty of time as he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food fight. I'll take care of filing your phone number with the vice principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave any of them unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, or telephones. (I'm sure that you will find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement, and be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!). Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared quite by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses. Hooked on Phonics is expensive so the schools dropped it. Good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction that you are denying! It's quite obvious that we are terrible parents (ask the other two) so they've helped raise this child to a new level of terror. She cannot speak English. Most people under eighteen can understand the curious lingo she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the odd/reggae/yuppie/ political doublespeak. I don't. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her R's. It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, pants baggy and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me but I am sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, she sort of "nests" in her room and I think that it would be easier to move the entire thing than find out what it is really made of. You denied two of the three exemptions so it is only fair you get to pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest, I still go bankrupt with Kristen's college but then I am free! If you take the two oldest then I still have time for counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls then I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible as I have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and made a down payment on an airplane. Sincerly,
A little girl was out with her Grandmother
A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk. "What are they doing, Grandma?" asked the little girl. The grandmother was embarrased, so she said, "The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor." They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?" said the little one. "How do you mean?" asked the Grandma. "Offer someone a helping hand," said the little girl, "and they fuck you everytime!"
Old enough for cursing
Two brothers, ages 6 and 8, decide they are old enough to start cursing. So they plan to use dirty words the next morning at breakfast. The 8-year-old says he'll use the world HELL and tells the 6-year-old to use ASS. Well, the next morning they head downstairs for breakfast. And when their mother asks them what they want, the 8-year-old says, "Ah, Hell, I'll have some Fruit Loops." Shocked, the mother wheels around and backhands him on his chair, sending him screaming back upstairs. She then turns to the 6-year-old and says, "What are you going to have?" He replies, "I don't know, but you can bet your ass it ain't gonna be Fruit Loops."
Backward Santa
As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?" The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: "Didn't you get my E-mail?"
Mom took little johnny
Mom took little johnny to the doctor for lacerations on his penis. Doc. said, how did such a thing happen? Johnny said, "It's that damn neighbor girl, Suzy. Her braces are too darned sharp."
Little Johnny's
Little Johnny's is coming home from the store swinging the loaf of bread in one hand and the other hand in his pants pocket. Along come Priest Joe and he thinks to himself, "This is a good opportunity to say something from the bible to Little Johnny." He walks up to Little Johnny and says, "I see Little Johnny that you have the Staff of Life in one hand. What do you have in the other?" Little Johnny replies, "A loaf of bread Father."
A young teenager
A young teenager comes home from school and asks her
mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me? That babies
come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?"
"Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had
finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it.
"But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?"
Timmy, 10 years OLD
10 year old Timmy comes home from daycare and tells his mom that he thinks his babysitter is gay. "Whatever makes you think THAT?!!?" says mom. Timmy replies, "Because his dick tasted like shit!"
August 16, 2010
Nutrition & Exercise: The Facts
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat; your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat; your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain....Good.
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain....Good.
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO ..... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!!
A: Are you crazy? HELLO ..... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Have a cookie ... flour is a veggie! One more thing..."When life hands you lemons, ask for a bottle of tequila and some salt."
Nun
A guy is walking up to a doctor's office when a nun comes running out screaming and crying.
The guy walks in and says, "Doc, what's with the nun?"
The doctor says, "Oh, I just told her she's pregnant."
The guy says, "The nun's pregnant?"
The doctor says, "No. But it certainly cured her hiccups!"
Golfing Injury
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this," said the man.
"I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows."
"We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball........stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake....."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"
Career Change
A gynecologist decides that he needs a change of pace, so he leaves the medical field to become an auto mechanic.
After many months laboring at auto mechanic school, the day finally comes to take his final exam.
He takes the exam and completes it in the required time, then leaves.
When he gets his exam grade in the mail, he is shocked, yet pleasantly surprised to find that his final grade on the exam is 200%.
As he reviews the exam in closer detail, he notices some remarks written by the professor, which read:
"50% for taking the engine apart correctly, 50% for putting it back together correctly, and an extra 100% for doing it all through the muffler."
NASA
It was a celebratory mood with the boys at NASA; they had just made the scientific achievement of a lifetime.
As they were uncorking a bottle of champagne, Dr. Lowenstein, the head scientist at NASA, asked everyone to be quiet as he had received a congratulatory phone call from the President of the United States.
He picked up a special red phone, and spoke into it. "Mr. President," said Dr. Lowenstein, grinning broadly, "after twelve years of hard research and billions of dollars spent, we have finally found intelligent life on Mars."
He listened for a second, and his smile gradually disappeared, replaced by a frown.
He said, "But that's impossible . . . we could never do it. . . yes Mr.. President," and hung up the phone.
He addressed the crowd of scientists staring at him curiously. "I have some bad news," he said, "the President said that now that we've found intelligent life on Mars . . . he wants us to try to find it in Congress."
Praying for a Bike
A little boy wanted $100 to buy a new bike, and his mother told him to pray to God for it. He prayed and prayed for two weeks, but nothing turned up. Then he decided perhaps he should write God a letter requesting the $100.00.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, they opened it up and decided to send it to the President. The President was so impressed, touched and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a check for $5.00. He thought that this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank-you letter to God, which read:
Dear God;
Thank you very much for the money. I noticed that you had to send it through Washington. As usual, they deducted $95.00 for themselves.
Thank you very much for the money. I noticed that you had to send it through Washington. As usual, they deducted $95.00 for themselves.
Speech Writer
If I were George W. Bush's Speech Writer…
"Good evening my fellow Americans. First I want to pass on condolences to the people of New York and all Americans that are hurting in this tragic time. Rest assured that anything and everything that can be done to assure the safety of our Country, will be done."
"This is the greatest country in the world and we will get through this trying time. Now is the time for all people to set aside our petty differences and show the world that no one and nothing can destroy the fortitude of the American people."
"To the people responsible for this tragedy, I say this- Are you f*cking kidding me? Are the turbans on your heads wrapped too tight? Have you gone too long without a bath? Do you not know who you are f*cking with?"
"Americans are so hungry to kill, that we shoot at each other every day. We will relish the opportunity for new targets of our aggression. Have you forgotten history? What happened to the last people that started f*cking around with us? Remember the little yellow bastards over in Japan? We slapped them all over the Pacific and roasted about 2 million of them in their own back yard. That's what we in America call a big-ass Barbecue."
"Ever seen Texas on a map? Ever wonder why it's so big? Because we wanted it that way. Mexico started jacking around with the Alamo and now they cut our lawns. Ask your buddy Saddam about f*cking with the good ole USA. The only reason he got away the first time is because it's too hard to shoot someone when you're doubled over laughing at them."
"Our soldiers aren't trained to laugh and shoot at the same time. Now he couldn't stop a pack of cub scouts from taking over his shitty little country. Trust us, Afghanistan will end up a giant kitty litter box. Go ahead and try to hide Bin Laden. There's not a hole deep enough or a mountain high enough that's going to keep your camel riding asses safe."
"We will bomb every inch of the country that harbors him, his camps and any place that looks and even smells like he was there. Hell, we might even drop a few bombs on people that have p*ssed us off in the past. This is America - we kick ass. This is what we do. Go ahead and laugh now, but the Tomahawks are coming and we will smoke your sorry asses. God bless America."
A Guide To Politics
Feudalism:
You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
Pure socialism:
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.
Bureaucratic socialism:
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.
Fascism:
You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
Pure communism:
You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
Russian communism:
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk
Dictatorship:
You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
Singaporean democracy:
You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.
You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.
Militarianism:
You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
Pure democracy:
You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
Representative democracy:
You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
American democracy:
The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate."
The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate."
British democracy:
You have two cows. You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.
You have two cows. You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.
Bureaucracy:
You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
Anarchy:
You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.
You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.
Capitalism:
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
Hong Kong capitalism:
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly-listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt / equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the fung shiu is bad.
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly-listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt / equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the fung shiu is bad.
Environmentalism:
You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.
You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.
Feminism:
You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.
You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.
Totalitarianism:
You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.
You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.
Political correctness:
You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo-centric, war-mongering, intolerant past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.
You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo-centric, war-mongering, intolerant past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.
Counter culture:
Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk.
Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk.
Surrealism:
You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
Libertarianism:
You have two cows. One has actually read the constitution, believes in it, and has some really good ideas about government. The cow runs for office, and while most people agree that the cow is the best candidate, nobody except the other cow votes for her because they think it would be "throwing their vote away."
You have two cows. One has actually read the constitution, believes in it, and has some really good ideas about government. The cow runs for office, and while most people agree that the cow is the best candidate, nobody except the other cow votes for her because they think it would be "throwing their vote away."
Dilemma
With all your honor and dignity what would you do? This test only has one question, but it’s a very important one. Please don’t answer it without giving it some serious thought. By giving an honest answer you will be able to test where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation, where you will have to make a decision one way or the other. Remember that your answer needs to be honest. Please scroll down slowly and consider each line - this is important for the test to work accurately.
You’re in Washington. There is great chaos going on around you, caused by a hurricane and severe floods. There are huge masses of water all over you. You are a photographer and you are in the middle of this great disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You’re trying to shoot very impressive photos. There are houses and people floating around you, disappearing into the water. Nature is showing all its destructive power and is ripping everything away with it.
Suddenly you see a man in the water, he is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken away by the masses of water and mud. You move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar. Suddenly you know who it is - it’s George W Bush ! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him away, forever. You have two options. You can save him or you can take the best photo of your life. So you can save the life of George Bush or you can shoot a Pulitzer prize winning photo, a unique photo displaying the death of the country's President.
And here’s the question (please give an honest answer):
Would you select color film, or rather go with the classic simplicity of black and white?
You’re in Washington. There is great chaos going on around you, caused by a hurricane and severe floods. There are huge masses of water all over you. You are a photographer and you are in the middle of this great disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You’re trying to shoot very impressive photos. There are houses and people floating around you, disappearing into the water. Nature is showing all its destructive power and is ripping everything away with it.
Suddenly you see a man in the water, he is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken away by the masses of water and mud. You move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar. Suddenly you know who it is - it’s George W Bush ! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him away, forever. You have two options. You can save him or you can take the best photo of your life. So you can save the life of George Bush or you can shoot a Pulitzer prize winning photo, a unique photo displaying the death of the country's President.
And here’s the question (please give an honest answer):
Would you select color film, or rather go with the classic simplicity of black and white?
Al Gore's New Program
Al Gore was entertaining Joe Leiberman and decided to show off his new home. Upon entering the bedroom, Joe noticed a very large wooden box with 5 empty beer cans and about $1500.00 in cash.
Out of curiosity, Joe asked ''AL, I see you're a beer drinker, I am too! you see, we DO have something in common''
With a condescending voice, Al quipped, '' yes, of course we do Joe''
Joe then asked '' Al, why the 5 empty cans and all that cash''
Al gladly told Joe about his new program. '' Joe, since last month, I have decided to turn a new leaf and become a more accountable person, while at the same time rewarding myself for my efforts. Whenever I tell a lie, I drink a beer and put the can in this box''
''That's really impressive'', Joe replied, ''only 5 beer cans in a whole month, but tell me, where did all that cash come from''?
Without missing a beat, Al responded, ''Whenever the box gets full of beer cans, I take it down to the recycling center, you know how concerned I am about environmental issues'
Bush and Gore
Bush and Gore were sitting in a restaurant to discuss the craziness of the election.
When the waitress came to take their orders, Gore said, "I'll take the steak."
When she asked Bush, he said, "I'll take the quickie."
Gore motioned for the waitress to come closer, and whispered into her ear "He means the quiche."
Conversation...
between Condeliza Rice and George Bush featuring: Hu Jintao, President of China, UN Secretary-General Kofi Annan and the late PLO Chief Yasser Arafat.
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinese guy!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yasser? Yasser Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yasser is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yasser?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi?
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yasser! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
Condi (picks up the phone): Rice here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?
August 13, 2010
Great Loss
George W. Bush was visiting an elementary school, and the 4th grade class he sat through began a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word "tragedy." So, George W. asked the class for an example of a tragedy.
One boy stood up and said, "If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy."
"No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."
A girl raised her hand and said, "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone on board, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," the President said. "That's what we would call a Great Loss."
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. President Bush searched the room and asked, "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally, way in the back of the room, Johnny raised his hand, and in a quiet voice, he said, "If Air Force One, carrying Mr. and Mrs. Bush, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, THAT would be a tragedy."
"That's right! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?" asked the President.
"Well," Johnny said, "because it wouldn't be an accident and it sure as hell wouldn’t be a Great Loss..."
The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word "tragedy." So, George W. asked the class for an example of a tragedy.
One boy stood up and said, "If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy."
"No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."
A girl raised her hand and said, "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone on board, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," the President said. "That's what we would call a Great Loss."
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. President Bush searched the room and asked, "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally, way in the back of the room, Johnny raised his hand, and in a quiet voice, he said, "If Air Force One, carrying Mr. and Mrs. Bush, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, THAT would be a tragedy."
"That's right! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?" asked the President.
"Well," Johnny said, "because it wouldn't be an accident and it sure as hell wouldn’t be a Great Loss..."
Classic Hack
Here is a story about one of the classic computer hacks.
Back in the mid-1970s, several of the system support staff at Motorola discovered a relatively simple way to crack system security on the Xerox CP-V timesharing system. Through a simple programming strategy, it was possible for a user program to trick the system into running a portion of the program in `master mode' (supervisor state), in which memory protection does not apply. The program could then poke a large value into its `privilege level' byte (normally write-protected) and could then proceed to bypass all levels of security within the file-management system, patch the system monitor, and do numerous other interesting things. In short, the barn door was wide open.
Motorola quite properly reported this problem to Xerox via an official `level 1 SIDR' (a bug report with an intended urgency of `needs to be fixed yesterday'). Because the text of each SIDR was entered into a database that could be viewed by quite a number of people, Motorola followed the approved procedure: they simply reported the problem as `Security SIDR', and attached all of the necessary documentation, ways-to-reproduce, etc.
The CP-V people at Xerox sat on their thumbs; they either didn't realize the severity of the problem, or didn't assign the necessary operating-system-staff resources to develop and distribute an official patch.
Months passed. The Motorola guys pestered their Xerox field-support rep, to no avail. Finally they decided to take direct action, to demonstrate to Xerox management just how easily the system could be cracked and just how thoroughly the security safeguards could be subverted.
They dug around in the operating-system listings and devised a thoroughly devilish set of patches. These patches were then incorporated into a pair of programs called `Robin Hood' and `Friar Tuck'. Robin Hood and Friar Tuck were designed to run as `ghost jobs' (daemons, in UNIX terminology); they would use the existing loophole to subvert system security, install the necessary patches, and then keep an eye on one another's statuses in order to keep the system operator (in effect, the super user) from aborting them.
One fine day, the system operator on the main CP-V software development system in El Segundo was surprised by a number of unusual phenomena. These included the following:
* Tape drives would rewind and dismount their tapes in the middle of a job. * Disk drives would seek back and forth so rapidly that they would attempt to walk across the floor. * The card-punch output device would occasionally start up of itself and punch a lace card. These would usually jam in the punch. * The console would print snide and insulting messages from Robin Hood to Friar Tuck, or vice versa. * The Xerox card reader had two output stackers; it could be instructed to stack into A, stack into B, or stack into A (unless a card was unreadable, in which case the bad card was placed into stacker B). One of the patches installed by the ghosts added some code to the card-reader driver... after reading a card; it would flip over to the opposite stacker. As a result, card decks would divide themselves in half when they were read, leaving the operator to re collate them manually.
Naturally, the operator called in the operating-system developers. They found the bandit ghost jobs running, and X'ed them... and were once again surprised. When Robin Hood was X'ed, the following sequence of events took place:
!X id1
id1: Friar Tuck... I am under attack! Pray save me! id1: Off (aborted)
id2: Fear not, friend Robin! I shall rout the Sheriff of Nottingham's men!
id1: Thank you, my good fellow!
Each ghost-job would detect the fact that the other had been killed, and would start a new copy of the recently slain program within a few milliseconds. The only way to kill both ghosts was to kill them simultaneously (very difficult) or to deliberately crash the system.
Finally, the system programmers did the latter --- only to find that the bandits appeared once again when the system rebooted! It turned out that these two programs had patched the boot-time OS image (the kernel file, in UNIX terms) and had added themselves to the list of programs that were to be started at boot time.
The Robin Hood and Friar Tuck ghosts were finally eradicated when the system staff rebooted the system from a clean boot-tape and reinstalled the monitor. Not long thereafter, Xerox released a patch for this problem.
It is alleged that Xerox filed a complaint with Motorola's management about the merry-prankster actions of the two employees in question. It is not recorded that any serious disciplinary action was taken against either of them.
Back in the mid-1970s, several of the system support staff at Motorola discovered a relatively simple way to crack system security on the Xerox CP-V timesharing system. Through a simple programming strategy, it was possible for a user program to trick the system into running a portion of the program in `master mode' (supervisor state), in which memory protection does not apply. The program could then poke a large value into its `privilege level' byte (normally write-protected) and could then proceed to bypass all levels of security within the file-management system, patch the system monitor, and do numerous other interesting things. In short, the barn door was wide open.
Motorola quite properly reported this problem to Xerox via an official `level 1 SIDR' (a bug report with an intended urgency of `needs to be fixed yesterday'). Because the text of each SIDR was entered into a database that could be viewed by quite a number of people, Motorola followed the approved procedure: they simply reported the problem as `Security SIDR', and attached all of the necessary documentation, ways-to-reproduce, etc.
The CP-V people at Xerox sat on their thumbs; they either didn't realize the severity of the problem, or didn't assign the necessary operating-system-staff resources to develop and distribute an official patch.
Months passed. The Motorola guys pestered their Xerox field-support rep, to no avail. Finally they decided to take direct action, to demonstrate to Xerox management just how easily the system could be cracked and just how thoroughly the security safeguards could be subverted.
They dug around in the operating-system listings and devised a thoroughly devilish set of patches. These patches were then incorporated into a pair of programs called `Robin Hood' and `Friar Tuck'. Robin Hood and Friar Tuck were designed to run as `ghost jobs' (daemons, in UNIX terminology); they would use the existing loophole to subvert system security, install the necessary patches, and then keep an eye on one another's statuses in order to keep the system operator (in effect, the super user) from aborting them.
One fine day, the system operator on the main CP-V software development system in El Segundo was surprised by a number of unusual phenomena. These included the following:
* Tape drives would rewind and dismount their tapes in the middle of a job. * Disk drives would seek back and forth so rapidly that they would attempt to walk across the floor. * The card-punch output device would occasionally start up of itself and punch a lace card. These would usually jam in the punch. * The console would print snide and insulting messages from Robin Hood to Friar Tuck, or vice versa. * The Xerox card reader had two output stackers; it could be instructed to stack into A, stack into B, or stack into A (unless a card was unreadable, in which case the bad card was placed into stacker B). One of the patches installed by the ghosts added some code to the card-reader driver... after reading a card; it would flip over to the opposite stacker. As a result, card decks would divide themselves in half when they were read, leaving the operator to re collate them manually.
Naturally, the operator called in the operating-system developers. They found the bandit ghost jobs running, and X'ed them... and were once again surprised. When Robin Hood was X'ed, the following sequence of events took place:
!X id1
id1: Friar Tuck... I am under attack! Pray save me! id1: Off (aborted)
id2: Fear not, friend Robin! I shall rout the Sheriff of Nottingham's men!
id1: Thank you, my good fellow!
Each ghost-job would detect the fact that the other had been killed, and would start a new copy of the recently slain program within a few milliseconds. The only way to kill both ghosts was to kill them simultaneously (very difficult) or to deliberately crash the system.
Finally, the system programmers did the latter --- only to find that the bandits appeared once again when the system rebooted! It turned out that these two programs had patched the boot-time OS image (the kernel file, in UNIX terms) and had added themselves to the list of programs that were to be started at boot time.
The Robin Hood and Friar Tuck ghosts were finally eradicated when the system staff rebooted the system from a clean boot-tape and reinstalled the monitor. Not long thereafter, Xerox released a patch for this problem.
It is alleged that Xerox filed a complaint with Motorola's management about the merry-prankster actions of the two employees in question. It is not recorded that any serious disciplinary action was taken against either of them.
Netscape Technical Support Folly
Tech: Internet Technical Support this is so-and-so speaking. May I have your username please?
Female Customer: Yes I want to speak to the person in charge immediately!
Tech: Speaking. What can I do for you?
Female Customer: I want to complain about the pornographic bookmarks your company put in my web browser!
Tech: We didn't put any pornographic bookmarks in your web browser.
Female Customer: Oh yes you did! I'm looking at them right now!
(Tech remembers the Netscape history list and grins to himself)
Tech: Where exactly are these "bookmarks" located?
Female Customer: In Netscape!
Tech: And where exactly in Netscape would that be?
Female: In that little list that comes down when you click the little down arrow!
Tech: The one right above the Net Search button?
Female Customer: Yes that one!
Tech: Miss, that's the Netscape history list. Netscape keeps the past ten links you typed in that box. The only way to put an address in that box is for someone to physically sit at your computer and type in a web address.
Female Customer: Well I certainly didn't type in those X rated web addresses!
Tech: Well somebody did. Who else has access to your computer, and uses the Internet?
Female Customer: Just me and my husband!
(Several seconds of silence pass ... Hey! I wasn't going to say it!)
Female Customer: ........ oh............. OOOH! ... Thank you.
(She quickly hung up)
Female Customer: Yes I want to speak to the person in charge immediately!
Tech: Speaking. What can I do for you?
Female Customer: I want to complain about the pornographic bookmarks your company put in my web browser!
Tech: We didn't put any pornographic bookmarks in your web browser.
Female Customer: Oh yes you did! I'm looking at them right now!
(Tech remembers the Netscape history list and grins to himself)
Tech: Where exactly are these "bookmarks" located?
Female Customer: In Netscape!
Tech: And where exactly in Netscape would that be?
Female: In that little list that comes down when you click the little down arrow!
Tech: The one right above the Net Search button?
Female Customer: Yes that one!
Tech: Miss, that's the Netscape history list. Netscape keeps the past ten links you typed in that box. The only way to put an address in that box is for someone to physically sit at your computer and type in a web address.
Female Customer: Well I certainly didn't type in those X rated web addresses!
Tech: Well somebody did. Who else has access to your computer, and uses the Internet?
Female Customer: Just me and my husband!
(Several seconds of silence pass ... Hey! I wasn't going to say it!)
Female Customer: ........ oh............. OOOH! ... Thank you.
(She quickly hung up)
Irish Bank Robbery
Excerpted from an article about a bank robbery which appeared in the Dublin Times (metropolitan edition, page 2A) on 2 March 1999:
Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the internal security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered throughout the bank.
The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's audio-tape system, one said, "At least we'll get a bit to eat,"
The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all the safes were opened.
They found not one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.
Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.
The newspaper headline read:
IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING.
Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the internal security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered throughout the bank.
The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's audio-tape system, one said, "At least we'll get a bit to eat,"
The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all the safes were opened.
They found not one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.
Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.
The newspaper headline read:
IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING.
August 6, 2010
Wittle Wabbit
A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"
And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"
The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."
And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"
The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."
Lion Tamer
wo unemployed guys are talking. One says, "I'm going to become a lion tamer."
The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming."
"Yes I do!"
"Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?"
"Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down."
"Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?"
"Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down."
"Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?"
"Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him."
"Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?"
"Well, then I pick up some of the shit that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of
the cage."
"Well, what if there ain't no shit in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?"
"Well, that's dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some shit on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that."
The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming."
"Yes I do!"
"Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?"
"Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down."
"Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?"
"Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down."
"Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?"
"Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him."
"Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?"
"Well, then I pick up some of the shit that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of
the cage."
"Well, what if there ain't no shit in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?"
"Well, that's dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some shit on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that."
August 4, 2010
Bill Clinton Clock
Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a HUGE wall of clocks behind him.
She asked, "What are the reasons for all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said Hillary, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she has never told a lie in all her long life."
"And whose clock is that?", said Hillary.
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice, telling us that Honest Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life."
"Where's Bill's clock?" Hillary asked.
"Bill's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
She asked, "What are the reasons for all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said Hillary, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she has never told a lie in all her long life."
"And whose clock is that?", said Hillary.
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice, telling us that Honest Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life."
"Where's Bill's clock?" Hillary asked.
"Bill's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
Thoughts on Life
The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Money can't buy happiness... But it sure makes misery easier to live with...
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullsh*t before.
Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they're OK, you're it.
Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid, too.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way.
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Money can't buy happiness... But it sure makes misery easier to live with...
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullsh*t before.
Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they're OK, you're it.
Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid, too.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way.
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
Mysterious Phrases Explained
The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the mysterious language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone reading a PhD dissertation or academic paper.
"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"...
I didn't look up the original reference.
"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"...
These data are practically meaningless.
"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS"...
An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published.
"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"...
The other results didn't make any sense.
"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"...
This is the prettiest graph.
"THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"...
I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.
"IN MY EXPERIENCE"...
Once.
"IN CASE AFTER CASE"...
Twice.
"IN A SERIES OF CASES"...
Thrice.
"IT IS BELIEVED THAT"...
I think.
"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"...
A couple of others think so, too.
"CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE" ...
Wrong.
"ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"...
Rumour has it.
"A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THESE FINDINGS"...
A wild guess.
"A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"...
Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass iced tea.
"IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS"...
I don't understand it.
"AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"...
They don't understand it either.
"THANKS ARE DUE TO JOE BLOTZ FOR ASSISTANCE WITH THE EXPERIMENT AND TO CINDY ADAMS FOR VALUABLE DISCUSSIONS"...
Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Adams explained to me what it meant.
"A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"...
A totally useless topic selected by my committee.
"IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD"...
I quit.
"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"...
I didn't look up the original reference.
"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"...
These data are practically meaningless.
"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS"...
An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published.
"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"...
The other results didn't make any sense.
"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"...
This is the prettiest graph.
"THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"...
I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.
"IN MY EXPERIENCE"...
Once.
"IN CASE AFTER CASE"...
Twice.
"IN A SERIES OF CASES"...
Thrice.
"IT IS BELIEVED THAT"...
I think.
"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"...
A couple of others think so, too.
"CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE" ...
Wrong.
"ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"...
Rumour has it.
"A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THESE FINDINGS"...
A wild guess.
"A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"...
Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass iced tea.
"IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS"...
I don't understand it.
"AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"...
They don't understand it either.
"THANKS ARE DUE TO JOE BLOTZ FOR ASSISTANCE WITH THE EXPERIMENT AND TO CINDY ADAMS FOR VALUABLE DISCUSSIONS"...
Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Adams explained to me what it meant.
"A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"...
A totally useless topic selected by my committee.
"IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD"...
I quit.
Step Back, I Know First-Aid!
When a car skidded on wet pavement and struck a telephone pole, several bystanders ran over to help the driver. A woman was the first to reach the victim, but a man rushed in and pushed her aside. "Step aside, lady," he barked. "I've taken a course in first-aid!"
The woman watched for a few minutes, then tapped him on theshoulder. "Pardon me," she said. "But when you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm right here."
The woman watched for a few minutes, then tapped him on theshoulder. "Pardon me," she said. "But when you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm right here."
Excuse Notes
These are excuse notes from parents (including original spelling) collected by schools from all over the country.
1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
3. Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
5. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the sh*ts. [words in ( )'s were crossed out.]
12. Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
16. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
17. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
20. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
22. Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
23. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
24. Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.
1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
3. Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
5. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the sh*ts. [words in ( )'s were crossed out.]
12. Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
16. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
17. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
20. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
22. Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
23. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
24. Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.
26 Signs You're A Grown-up
1. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
2. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
3. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
4. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up.'
5. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.
6. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
7. Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
8. MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
9. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
10. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
11. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
12. You read this entire list looking for one sign that doesn't apply to you.
2. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
3. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
4. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up.'
5. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.
6. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
7. Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
8. MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
9. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
10. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
11. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
12. You read this entire list looking for one sign that doesn't apply to you.
Coffee In Bed
A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee. The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup. She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?" Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV... ' The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.'"
Geek Speak
Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.
Umfriend: A sexual relationship between friends or a concealed intimate relationship, as in "This is Sarah, my...um...friend."
Yuppie Food Stamps: The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal: "We all owe $8 each, but all anybody's got is yuppie food stamps."
Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, shits over everything and then leaves
Blowing your buffer: Losing your train of thought.
Salmon day: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed in the end.
Chainsaw consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the brass with clean hands.
Career-limiting move (CLM): Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.
Depotphobia: Fear associated with entering a Home Depot because of how much money one might spend. Electronics geeks experience Shackophobia or Frysaphobia.
Adminisphere: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
Dilberted: To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."
Flight Risk: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.
404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found", meaning that the requested document could not be located. "Don't bother asking him...he's 404."
Generica: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, sub-divisions. Used as in "We were so lost in generica that I forgot what city we were in."
GOOD Job - A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job: A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.
Keyboard Plaque: The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards.
Ohnosecond: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a "cube farm" (an office full of cubicles) and everyone's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
Telephone Number Salary : A salary (or project budget) that has seven digits.
Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.
Umfriend: A sexual relationship between friends or a concealed intimate relationship, as in "This is Sarah, my...um...friend."
Yuppie Food Stamps: The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal: "We all owe $8 each, but all anybody's got is yuppie food stamps."
Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, shits over everything and then leaves
Blowing your buffer: Losing your train of thought.
Salmon day: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed in the end.
Chainsaw consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the brass with clean hands.
Career-limiting move (CLM): Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.
Depotphobia: Fear associated with entering a Home Depot because of how much money one might spend. Electronics geeks experience Shackophobia or Frysaphobia.
Adminisphere: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
Dilberted: To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."
Flight Risk: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.
404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found", meaning that the requested document could not be located. "Don't bother asking him...he's 404."
Generica: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, sub-divisions. Used as in "We were so lost in generica that I forgot what city we were in."
GOOD Job - A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job: A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.
Keyboard Plaque: The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards.
Ohnosecond: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a "cube farm" (an office full of cubicles) and everyone's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
Telephone Number Salary : A salary (or project budget) that has seven digits.
You Know Something Is Wrong When...
1. There are so many signs of trouble... How does one keep track of them all?
2. Your accountants letter of resignation is postmarked Panama.
3. You have to hitch hike to the bank to make your car payment.
4. The little league puts you on waivers.
5. Your suggestion box starts ticking.
6. Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the DA is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3.
7. You see your stockbroker hitchhiking out of town.
8. You see the cruise captain running toward the railing wearing a life jacket.
9. They pay your wages out of petty cash.
10. You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed, and have less than you've ever had.
11. Getting there is half the fun and three-fourths of the vacation budget.
12. The simple instructions enclosed aren't.
13. A black cat crosses you path and drops dead.
14. You take an assertiveness training course and you're afraid to tell your wife.
15. You see your wife and your girlfriend having lunch together.
16. Your pacemaker has only a thirty day guarantee.
17. The candles on your cake set off your smoke alarm.
18. The pest exterminator crawls under your house and never comes out.
2. Your accountants letter of resignation is postmarked Panama.
3. You have to hitch hike to the bank to make your car payment.
4. The little league puts you on waivers.
5. Your suggestion box starts ticking.
6. Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the DA is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3.
7. You see your stockbroker hitchhiking out of town.
8. You see the cruise captain running toward the railing wearing a life jacket.
9. They pay your wages out of petty cash.
10. You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed, and have less than you've ever had.
11. Getting there is half the fun and three-fourths of the vacation budget.
12. The simple instructions enclosed aren't.
13. A black cat crosses you path and drops dead.
14. You take an assertiveness training course and you're afraid to tell your wife.
15. You see your wife and your girlfriend having lunch together.
16. Your pacemaker has only a thirty day guarantee.
17. The candles on your cake set off your smoke alarm.
18. The pest exterminator crawls under your house and never comes out.
Woman Translations
At long last... The Men's Guide to what a woman really means when she says something. Pay close attention (there might be a quiz later).
* You want = You want
* We need = I want
* It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
* Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
* We need to talk = I need to complain
* Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to.
* I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
* You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
* You're certainly attentive tonight. = Is sex all you ever think about?
* I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I'm on my period.
* Be romantic, turn out the lights. = I have flabby thighs.
* This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
* I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
* I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white.
* Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
* I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
* Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
* How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.
* I'll be ready in a minute. = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
* Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
* You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.
* Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]
* Yes = No
* No = No
* Maybe = No
* I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry.
* Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it.
* Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
* I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
* All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new pocket books, and OMIGOD those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?
(THE ANSWER TO "WHAT'S WRONG?")
* The same old thing = Nothing
* Nothing = Everything
* Everything = My PMS is acting up
* Nothing, really = It's just that you're such a jerk
* I don't want to talk about it = Go away, I'm still building up steam
* You want = You want
* We need = I want
* It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
* Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
* We need to talk = I need to complain
* Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to.
* I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
* You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
* You're certainly attentive tonight. = Is sex all you ever think about?
* I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I'm on my period.
* Be romantic, turn out the lights. = I have flabby thighs.
* This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
* I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
* I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white.
* Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
* I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
* Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
* How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.
* I'll be ready in a minute. = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
* Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
* You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.
* Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]
* Yes = No
* No = No
* Maybe = No
* I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry.
* Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it.
* Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
* I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
* All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new pocket books, and OMIGOD those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?
(THE ANSWER TO "WHAT'S WRONG?")
* The same old thing = Nothing
* Nothing = Everything
* Everything = My PMS is acting up
* Nothing, really = It's just that you're such a jerk
* I don't want to talk about it = Go away, I'm still building up steam
How To Take A Dump At The Office
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something a brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those of you who hate pooping at work as much as I do, I give you the.........
1999 Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work.
Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.
ESCAPEE
Definition: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of anic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee)
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine guns pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of a COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out of the Closet pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency
pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVEN
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH
Definition: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.
UNCLE TED
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
FLY BY
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walkin, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
1999 Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work.
Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.
ESCAPEE
Definition: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of anic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee)
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine guns pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of a COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out of the Closet pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency
pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVEN
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH
Definition: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.
UNCLE TED
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
FLY BY
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walkin, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
Holiday Cut Backs
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole. Streamlining was necessary due to the North Pole's loss of dominance of the season's gift distribution business.
Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share. He could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.
The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavorable press.
I am pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that way, not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.
As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
- The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;
- The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated;
- The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French;
- The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;
- The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appears to be in order;
- The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one;
- The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement;
- As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;
- Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;
- Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;
- Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line;
We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved. Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorneys' association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), the action is pending.
Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
- Mike Robinson, Triad Consulting
Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share. He could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.
The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavorable press.
I am pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that way, not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.
As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
- The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;
- The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated;
- The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French;
- The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;
- The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appears to be in order;
- The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one;
- The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement;
- As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;
- Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;
- Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;
- Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line;
We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved. Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorneys' association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), the action is pending.
Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
- Mike Robinson, Triad Consulting
United Way VS Lawyer
The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer, so a volunteer was sent to solicit his donation.
"Sir, you have a successful law practice. You must be worth millions. Surely you could give back a little to your community through The United Way."
The lawyer said, "First, are you aware that my mother is dying from a long, painful illness? And that she has medical bills far beyond her ability to pay?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Uh, no."
"Second, did you know my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind, confined to a wheelchair, and unable to support his wife and six children?"
The stricken United Way rep mumbled another, "Uh, no."
"Third, do you realize that my sister's husband died in a dreadful traffic accident leaving her penniless, with a huge mortgage and three young children?"
The United Way rep was humiliated. "No, sir. I had no idea."
The lawyer concluded, "Well, then. If I don't give any money to them, why do you think I'd give any to you?!"
"Sir, you have a successful law practice. You must be worth millions. Surely you could give back a little to your community through The United Way."
The lawyer said, "First, are you aware that my mother is dying from a long, painful illness? And that she has medical bills far beyond her ability to pay?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Uh, no."
"Second, did you know my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind, confined to a wheelchair, and unable to support his wife and six children?"
The stricken United Way rep mumbled another, "Uh, no."
"Third, do you realize that my sister's husband died in a dreadful traffic accident leaving her penniless, with a huge mortgage and three young children?"
The United Way rep was humiliated. "No, sir. I had no idea."
The lawyer concluded, "Well, then. If I don't give any money to them, why do you think I'd give any to you?!"
New Year Resolutions for Pets
15. I will not eat other animals' poop.
14. I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
13. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
12. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
11. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.
10. Cats: Circulate a petition that sleeping become a juried competition in major animal shows.
9. Come to understand that cats are from Venus; dogs are from Mars.
8. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.
7. Hamster: Don't let them figure out I'm just a rat on steroids, or they'll flush me!
6. Get a bite in on that freak who gives me that shot every year.
5. Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much.
4. Cats: Use new living room sofa as scratching post.
3. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock!
January 2nd - December 31: Re-live victory over the sock.
2. The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
AND the Number 1 New Year's Resolutions Made by Pets...
1. I will NOT chase the stick until I see it LEAVE THE IDIOT'S HAND
14. I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
13. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
12. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
11. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.
10. Cats: Circulate a petition that sleeping become a juried competition in major animal shows.
9. Come to understand that cats are from Venus; dogs are from Mars.
8. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.
7. Hamster: Don't let them figure out I'm just a rat on steroids, or they'll flush me!
6. Get a bite in on that freak who gives me that shot every year.
5. Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much.
4. Cats: Use new living room sofa as scratching post.
3. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock!
January 2nd - December 31: Re-live victory over the sock.
2. The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
AND the Number 1 New Year's Resolutions Made by Pets...
1. I will NOT chase the stick until I see it LEAVE THE IDIOT'S HAND
Fun Things To Do At Wal-Mart
* Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
* Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
* When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially down narrow aisles.
* Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.
* Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive."
* Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come Robin--to the Bat cave!"
* Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
* Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission: Impossible."
* Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
* When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.
* Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
* When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially down narrow aisles.
* Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.
* Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive."
* Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come Robin--to the Bat cave!"
* Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
* Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission: Impossible."
* Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
* When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.
The Modern Toolbox
Hammer - In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain on ones enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on oneself.
Screwdriver - The drink ordered at the local bar after you call in a professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage you did while trying to change out a light socket with your handy screwdriver.
Phillips Screwdriver - The bar drink that you order when the damage estimate is over $1,000. Contains twice the vodka.
Pliers - A device used to extend your reach the necessary few inches when you drop a one-of-a-kind screw down behind the new wall it took you two weeks to install.
Multi-Pliers - Contain a handy assortment of sharp and dangerous tools. Best left in its leather sheath and worn on a homeowners belt to increase testosterone levels.
Electronic Stud Finder - An annoying device that never goes off when you point it at yourself.
Halogen Light - A worklight that lights up your backyard with the incandescence of a football stadium, causing you to cast a heavy shadow over the area you're working on so that you need to use a flashlight anyway.
Cordless Drill - A device that lessens your chance of electrocution 90% over a standard plug-in tool.
Cordless Telephone - The handyman's 911.
Air Compressor - A mechanical device similar in principal to harnessing the power of your mother-in-laws nagging complaints and using the resulting airflow to blast old paint off the side of the house.
Chainsaw - Allows you to cut your way out of the shed that you accidentally built completely around yourself.
Vise Grips - A pair of helping hands that doesn't critique the job you're doing or offer advice.
Screwdriver - The drink ordered at the local bar after you call in a professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage you did while trying to change out a light socket with your handy screwdriver.
Phillips Screwdriver - The bar drink that you order when the damage estimate is over $1,000. Contains twice the vodka.
Pliers - A device used to extend your reach the necessary few inches when you drop a one-of-a-kind screw down behind the new wall it took you two weeks to install.
Multi-Pliers - Contain a handy assortment of sharp and dangerous tools. Best left in its leather sheath and worn on a homeowners belt to increase testosterone levels.
Electronic Stud Finder - An annoying device that never goes off when you point it at yourself.
Halogen Light - A worklight that lights up your backyard with the incandescence of a football stadium, causing you to cast a heavy shadow over the area you're working on so that you need to use a flashlight anyway.
Cordless Drill - A device that lessens your chance of electrocution 90% over a standard plug-in tool.
Cordless Telephone - The handyman's 911.
Air Compressor - A mechanical device similar in principal to harnessing the power of your mother-in-laws nagging complaints and using the resulting airflow to blast old paint off the side of the house.
Chainsaw - Allows you to cut your way out of the shed that you accidentally built completely around yourself.
Vise Grips - A pair of helping hands that doesn't critique the job you're doing or offer advice.
Bathroom Philosophy
Some ordinary folks become great philosophers when they are sitting alone in the bathroom stalls of the world contemplating life's problems. Here are a few gems.
Make love, not war. Hell, do both, get married!
- Women's restroom. Bozeman, Montana
I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.
- Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
- Written on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.
If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
- Revolution Books. New York, New York.
Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.
- Men's restroom, Champaign, IL
A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
- Women's restroom, Dallas, Texas.
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap.
- Mens Room, Linda's Bar and Grill., Chapel Hill, North Carolina.
If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!
- Men's restroom, House of Representatives. Washington, D.C.
Make love, not war. Hell, do both, get married!
- Women's restroom. Bozeman, Montana
I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.
- Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
- Written on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.
If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
- Revolution Books. New York, New York.
Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.
- Men's restroom, Champaign, IL
A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
- Women's restroom, Dallas, Texas.
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap.
- Mens Room, Linda's Bar and Grill., Chapel Hill, North Carolina.
If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!
- Men's restroom, House of Representatives. Washington, D.C.
Top Ten Kids' Instructions On Life
1. "Wear a hat when feeding seagulls."
- Rocky, age 9
2. "Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning."
- Stephanie, age 8
3. "Never bug a pregnant mom."
- Nicholas, age 11
4. "When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' don't answer him."
- Heather, age 16
5. "Never tell your mom her diet's not working."
- Michael, age 14
6. "When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone."
- Alyesha, age 13
7. "Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mom told you to do."
- Hank, age 12
8. "Never dare your little brother to paint the family car."
- Phillip, age 13
9. "Remember the two places you are always welcome-church and Grandma's house."
- Joanne, age 11
10. "When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents."
- Matthew, age 12
- Rocky, age 9
2. "Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning."
- Stephanie, age 8
3. "Never bug a pregnant mom."
- Nicholas, age 11
4. "When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' don't answer him."
- Heather, age 16
5. "Never tell your mom her diet's not working."
- Michael, age 14
6. "When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone."
- Alyesha, age 13
7. "Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mom told you to do."
- Hank, age 12
8. "Never dare your little brother to paint the family car."
- Phillip, age 13
9. "Remember the two places you are always welcome-church and Grandma's house."
- Joanne, age 11
10. "When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents."
- Matthew, age 12
The Top 10 Geek T-Shirt Slogans
1. COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key
2. <-------- The information went data way
3. The name is Baud......, James Baud.
4. Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!
5. Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
6. Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
7. Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
8. ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
9. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
10. Go ahead, make my data!
2. <-------- The information went data way
3. The name is Baud......, James Baud.
4. Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!
5. Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
6. Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
7. Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
8. ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
9. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
10. Go ahead, make my data!
Pay the price
A man walks into a bar and says, "Excuse me, I'd like a pint of beer."
The bartender serves the drink and says, "That'll be four dollars."
The customer pulls out a twenty-dollar bill and hands it to the bartender.
"Sorry, sir," the bartender says, "but I can't accept that."
The man pulls out a ten-dollar bill and the bartender rejects his money again. "What's going on here?" the man asks.
Pointing to a neon sign, the bartender explains, "This is a Singles Bar."
The bartender serves the drink and says, "That'll be four dollars."
The customer pulls out a twenty-dollar bill and hands it to the bartender.
"Sorry, sir," the bartender says, "but I can't accept that."
The man pulls out a ten-dollar bill and the bartender rejects his money again. "What's going on here?" the man asks.
Pointing to a neon sign, the bartender explains, "This is a Singles Bar."
It Was So Cold...
It was so cold... we had to stop eating with metal cutlery. Some people walked around for days with spoons or forks stuck to their tongues!
It was so cold... hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!
It was so cold... roosters were rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!
It was so cold... when I dialed 911, a recorded message said to phone back in the spring!
It was so cold... the optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses!
It was so cold... kids were using a new excuse to stay up late: "But Mom, my pyjamas haven't thawed out yet!"
It was so cold... the travel agency was advertising tropical vacations in Igloolik!
It was so cold... pickpockets were sticking their hands in strangers' pockets just to keep them warm!
It was so cold... the squirrels in the park were throwing themselves at an electric fence!
It was so cold... I chipped a tooth on my soup!
It was so cold... Grandpa’s teeth were chattering - in the glass!
It was so cold... the dogs were wearing cats!
It was so cold... Starbucks was serving coffee on a stick!
It was so cold... Levi Strauss started manufacturing electric jeans!
It was so cold... the rats were bribing the alley cats for a snuggle.
It was so cold... we had to chop up the piano for firewood - but we only got two chords.
It was so cold... we had to carry around hammers and chisels so we could get out of our parkas!
It was so cold... kids stopped worrying about acne. The new problem - goosepimples!
It was so cold... when we milked the cows, we got ice cream! When we milked the brown cows - we got chocolate ice cream!
It was so cold... words froze in the air. If you wanted to hear what someone said, you had to grab a handful of sentences and take them in by the fire!
It was so cold... the dogs had to put jumper cables on the rabbits - just to get them running!
It was so cold... Playboy magazine stopped publishing because no women would take their clothes off.
It was so cold... we pulled everything out of the freezer and huddled inside it to warm up!
It was so cold... the Husky Association was making emergency service calls to get the dog teams started!
It was so cold... when we parked the sled, we either had to plug in the dogs - or keep them running in place!
It was so cold... people with traffic tickets would plead guilty and beg for the electric chair!
It was so cold... the snowflakes froze in the air. Birds hopped from one snowflake to another to get into the trees.
It was so cold... terrorists started to stockpile weapons-grade hot chocolate!
It was so cold... the politicians had their hands in their OWN pockets!
It was so cold... beauty contestants had to draw pictures of themselves for the swimsuit competition! It was the first time talent was an asset in that event!
It was so cold... my mail broke when I tried to pry open the envelope!
It was so cold... UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii!
It was so cold... I actually enjoyed it when someone spilled scalding hot coffee on my lap!
It was so cold... Throps and Squallhoots were constantly hugging!
It was so cold... Richard Simmons started wearing pants!
It was so cold... the fake Rolex sellers were selling fake heaters! ??It was so cold... Mr. Smith's toupee turned white for the winter!
It was so cold... Mr. Bumstead's toupee took off and migrated south!
It was so cold... my dental fillings became dislodged due to the constant shivering!
It was so cold... people stopped complaining about the radioactive steam coming out of manholes!
It was so cold... the muggers were phoning in sick!
It was so cold... a streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring.
It was so cold... when I got sick - Mom had to give me a block of chicken soup!
It was so cold... the Polar Bears were buying fur coats!
It was so cold... the snowman knocked on the door and asked to sleep on the couch!
It was so cold... people with the sniffles had to suck on NyQuil popsicles!
It was so cold... we didn't clean the house - we just defrosted it!
It was so cold... you could pick up used vans cheap down at "Ice Cream Vendor Surplus".
It was so cold... my Dad was wearing golfing gloves on both hands!
It was so cold... Pamela Anderson was downgraded from "hot" to "tepid".
It was so cold... hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!
It was so cold... roosters were rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!
It was so cold... when I dialed 911, a recorded message said to phone back in the spring!
It was so cold... the optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses!
It was so cold... kids were using a new excuse to stay up late: "But Mom, my pyjamas haven't thawed out yet!"
It was so cold... the travel agency was advertising tropical vacations in Igloolik!
It was so cold... pickpockets were sticking their hands in strangers' pockets just to keep them warm!
It was so cold... the squirrels in the park were throwing themselves at an electric fence!
It was so cold... I chipped a tooth on my soup!
It was so cold... Grandpa’s teeth were chattering - in the glass!
It was so cold... the dogs were wearing cats!
It was so cold... Starbucks was serving coffee on a stick!
It was so cold... Levi Strauss started manufacturing electric jeans!
It was so cold... the rats were bribing the alley cats for a snuggle.
It was so cold... we had to chop up the piano for firewood - but we only got two chords.
It was so cold... we had to carry around hammers and chisels so we could get out of our parkas!
It was so cold... kids stopped worrying about acne. The new problem - goosepimples!
It was so cold... when we milked the cows, we got ice cream! When we milked the brown cows - we got chocolate ice cream!
It was so cold... words froze in the air. If you wanted to hear what someone said, you had to grab a handful of sentences and take them in by the fire!
It was so cold... the dogs had to put jumper cables on the rabbits - just to get them running!
It was so cold... Playboy magazine stopped publishing because no women would take their clothes off.
It was so cold... we pulled everything out of the freezer and huddled inside it to warm up!
It was so cold... the Husky Association was making emergency service calls to get the dog teams started!
It was so cold... when we parked the sled, we either had to plug in the dogs - or keep them running in place!
It was so cold... people with traffic tickets would plead guilty and beg for the electric chair!
It was so cold... the snowflakes froze in the air. Birds hopped from one snowflake to another to get into the trees.
It was so cold... terrorists started to stockpile weapons-grade hot chocolate!
It was so cold... the politicians had their hands in their OWN pockets!
It was so cold... beauty contestants had to draw pictures of themselves for the swimsuit competition! It was the first time talent was an asset in that event!
It was so cold... my mail broke when I tried to pry open the envelope!
It was so cold... UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii!
It was so cold... I actually enjoyed it when someone spilled scalding hot coffee on my lap!
It was so cold... Throps and Squallhoots were constantly hugging!
It was so cold... Richard Simmons started wearing pants!
It was so cold... the fake Rolex sellers were selling fake heaters! ??It was so cold... Mr. Smith's toupee turned white for the winter!
It was so cold... Mr. Bumstead's toupee took off and migrated south!
It was so cold... my dental fillings became dislodged due to the constant shivering!
It was so cold... people stopped complaining about the radioactive steam coming out of manholes!
It was so cold... the muggers were phoning in sick!
It was so cold... a streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring.
It was so cold... when I got sick - Mom had to give me a block of chicken soup!
It was so cold... the Polar Bears were buying fur coats!
It was so cold... the snowman knocked on the door and asked to sleep on the couch!
It was so cold... people with the sniffles had to suck on NyQuil popsicles!
It was so cold... we didn't clean the house - we just defrosted it!
It was so cold... you could pick up used vans cheap down at "Ice Cream Vendor Surplus".
It was so cold... my Dad was wearing golfing gloves on both hands!
It was so cold... Pamela Anderson was downgraded from "hot" to "tepid".
Banana Jokes
Why are bananas never lonely?... Because they hang around in bunches.
How do you catch King Kong?... Hang upside down and make a noise like a banana.
What did the banana say to the elephant?... Nothing. Bananas can’t talk.
Why did the banana go out with the prune?... Because he couldn’t find a date.
Why did the banana go out with the prune? Because he couldn’t find a date.
Why aren't they going to grow bananas any longer?... Because they're long enough already.
What do you do if you see a blue banana?... Try to cheer it up.
What’s yellow and writes?... A ball-point banana.
What is yellow and goes bzzzzzz?... An electric banana.
Why did the man lose his job in a fruit packing firm?... He kept throwing the bent bananas away.
How did the Mother Banana spoil the Baby Banana?... She left him out in the sun too long.
Why don’t bananas snore?... Because they don’t want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
What is yellow on the inside and green on the outside ? A banana dressed up as a cucumber.
What’s yellow and flashes?... A banana with a loose connection.
Why do bananas wear suntan lotion?... Because they peel!
What did the boy banana say to the girl banana?... You have a lot of appeal.
What is the difference between a banana and a bell?... You can only peel (peal) the banana once.
Why is a banana peel on the sidewalk like music? Because if you don’t C sharp you'll B flat.
What would you call two bananas?... A pair of slippers.
What is long and yellow and always points north?... A magnetic banana.
What is a ghost favorite fruit?... Boonanaa
Why did the banana go to see the doctor?... The banana was not peeling very well.
Why were the monkeys gravely ill after consuming an entire grove of bananas?... They got yellow fever.
What did Momma Banana say to calm her boys down after their fight?... Quit yer g-ripen!
Why couldn't Anna visit the King?... He had the guards ban-anna from the castle.
Why couldn't the police arrest the banana the Monday after the Great Ice Cream Robbery?... Because the banana split sundae.
What did the old banana trapper sell at the trading post?... Banana skins and peelts.
What was the highlight of the banana gymnast's performance?... A banana split.
What did the banana racers do when they saw the police coming?... They peeled out of there.
How are bellies like bananas?... The older you get, the less firm they are.
What is Beethoven's favorite fruit?... Banana..na....! Banana..na....! (sing to the tune of 5th symphony)
Knock knock... Who’s there?...Banana... Banana who?
Knock knock... Who’s there?...Banana... Banana who?
Knock knock... Who’s there?... Orange... Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?
Knock Knock... Who’s there?
Banana... Banana who?
Banana split so ice creamed!
Teacher: What is Ba + Na2?
Pupil: Banana.
How do you catch King Kong?... Hang upside down and make a noise like a banana.
What did the banana say to the elephant?... Nothing. Bananas can’t talk.
Why did the banana go out with the prune?... Because he couldn’t find a date.
Why did the banana go out with the prune? Because he couldn’t find a date.
Why aren't they going to grow bananas any longer?... Because they're long enough already.
What do you do if you see a blue banana?... Try to cheer it up.
What’s yellow and writes?... A ball-point banana.
What is yellow and goes bzzzzzz?... An electric banana.
Why did the man lose his job in a fruit packing firm?... He kept throwing the bent bananas away.
How did the Mother Banana spoil the Baby Banana?... She left him out in the sun too long.
Why don’t bananas snore?... Because they don’t want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
What is yellow on the inside and green on the outside ? A banana dressed up as a cucumber.
What’s yellow and flashes?... A banana with a loose connection.
Why do bananas wear suntan lotion?... Because they peel!
What did the boy banana say to the girl banana?... You have a lot of appeal.
What is the difference between a banana and a bell?... You can only peel (peal) the banana once.
Why is a banana peel on the sidewalk like music? Because if you don’t C sharp you'll B flat.
What would you call two bananas?... A pair of slippers.
What is long and yellow and always points north?... A magnetic banana.
What is a ghost favorite fruit?... Boonanaa
Why did the banana go to see the doctor?... The banana was not peeling very well.
Why were the monkeys gravely ill after consuming an entire grove of bananas?... They got yellow fever.
What did Momma Banana say to calm her boys down after their fight?... Quit yer g-ripen!
Why couldn't Anna visit the King?... He had the guards ban-anna from the castle.
Why couldn't the police arrest the banana the Monday after the Great Ice Cream Robbery?... Because the banana split sundae.
What did the old banana trapper sell at the trading post?... Banana skins and peelts.
What was the highlight of the banana gymnast's performance?... A banana split.
What did the banana racers do when they saw the police coming?... They peeled out of there.
How are bellies like bananas?... The older you get, the less firm they are.
What is Beethoven's favorite fruit?... Banana..na....! Banana..na....! (sing to the tune of 5th symphony)
Knock knock... Who’s there?...Banana... Banana who?
Knock knock... Who’s there?...Banana... Banana who?
Knock knock... Who’s there?... Orange... Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?
Knock Knock... Who’s there?
Banana... Banana who?
Banana split so ice creamed!
Teacher: What is Ba + Na2?
Pupil: Banana.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)