Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a HUGE wall of clocks behind him.
She asked, "What are the reasons for all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said Hillary, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she has never told a lie in all her long life."
"And whose clock is that?", said Hillary.
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice, telling us that Honest Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life."
"Where's Bill's clock?" Hillary asked.
"Bill's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
August 4, 2010
Thoughts on Life
The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Money can't buy happiness... But it sure makes misery easier to live with...
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullsh*t before.
Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they're OK, you're it.
Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid, too.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way.
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Money can't buy happiness... But it sure makes misery easier to live with...
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullsh*t before.
Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they're OK, you're it.
Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid, too.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way.
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
Mysterious Phrases Explained
The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the mysterious language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone reading a PhD dissertation or academic paper.
"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"...
I didn't look up the original reference.
"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"...
These data are practically meaningless.
"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS"...
An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published.
"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"...
The other results didn't make any sense.
"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"...
This is the prettiest graph.
"THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"...
I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.
"IN MY EXPERIENCE"...
Once.
"IN CASE AFTER CASE"...
Twice.
"IN A SERIES OF CASES"...
Thrice.
"IT IS BELIEVED THAT"...
I think.
"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"...
A couple of others think so, too.
"CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE" ...
Wrong.
"ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"...
Rumour has it.
"A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THESE FINDINGS"...
A wild guess.
"A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"...
Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass iced tea.
"IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS"...
I don't understand it.
"AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"...
They don't understand it either.
"THANKS ARE DUE TO JOE BLOTZ FOR ASSISTANCE WITH THE EXPERIMENT AND TO CINDY ADAMS FOR VALUABLE DISCUSSIONS"...
Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Adams explained to me what it meant.
"A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"...
A totally useless topic selected by my committee.
"IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD"...
I quit.
"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"...
I didn't look up the original reference.
"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"...
These data are practically meaningless.
"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS"...
An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published.
"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"...
The other results didn't make any sense.
"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"...
This is the prettiest graph.
"THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"...
I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.
"IN MY EXPERIENCE"...
Once.
"IN CASE AFTER CASE"...
Twice.
"IN A SERIES OF CASES"...
Thrice.
"IT IS BELIEVED THAT"...
I think.
"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"...
A couple of others think so, too.
"CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE" ...
Wrong.
"ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"...
Rumour has it.
"A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THESE FINDINGS"...
A wild guess.
"A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"...
Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass iced tea.
"IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS"...
I don't understand it.
"AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"...
They don't understand it either.
"THANKS ARE DUE TO JOE BLOTZ FOR ASSISTANCE WITH THE EXPERIMENT AND TO CINDY ADAMS FOR VALUABLE DISCUSSIONS"...
Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Adams explained to me what it meant.
"A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"...
A totally useless topic selected by my committee.
"IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD"...
I quit.
Step Back, I Know First-Aid!
When a car skidded on wet pavement and struck a telephone pole, several bystanders ran over to help the driver. A woman was the first to reach the victim, but a man rushed in and pushed her aside. "Step aside, lady," he barked. "I've taken a course in first-aid!"
The woman watched for a few minutes, then tapped him on theshoulder. "Pardon me," she said. "But when you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm right here."
The woman watched for a few minutes, then tapped him on theshoulder. "Pardon me," she said. "But when you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm right here."
Excuse Notes
These are excuse notes from parents (including original spelling) collected by schools from all over the country.
1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
3. Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
5. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the sh*ts. [words in ( )'s were crossed out.]
12. Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
16. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
17. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
20. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
22. Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
23. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
24. Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.
1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
3. Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
5. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the sh*ts. [words in ( )'s were crossed out.]
12. Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
16. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
17. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
20. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
22. Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
23. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
24. Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.
26 Signs You're A Grown-up
1. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
2. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
3. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
4. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up.'
5. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.
6. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
7. Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
8. MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
9. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
10. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
11. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
12. You read this entire list looking for one sign that doesn't apply to you.
2. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
3. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
4. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up.'
5. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.
6. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
7. Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
8. MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
9. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
10. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
11. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
12. You read this entire list looking for one sign that doesn't apply to you.
Coffee In Bed
A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee. The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup. She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?" Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV... ' The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.'"
Geek Speak
Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.
Umfriend: A sexual relationship between friends or a concealed intimate relationship, as in "This is Sarah, my...um...friend."
Yuppie Food Stamps: The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal: "We all owe $8 each, but all anybody's got is yuppie food stamps."
Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, shits over everything and then leaves
Blowing your buffer: Losing your train of thought.
Salmon day: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed in the end.
Chainsaw consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the brass with clean hands.
Career-limiting move (CLM): Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.
Depotphobia: Fear associated with entering a Home Depot because of how much money one might spend. Electronics geeks experience Shackophobia or Frysaphobia.
Adminisphere: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
Dilberted: To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."
Flight Risk: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.
404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found", meaning that the requested document could not be located. "Don't bother asking him...he's 404."
Generica: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, sub-divisions. Used as in "We were so lost in generica that I forgot what city we were in."
GOOD Job - A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job: A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.
Keyboard Plaque: The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards.
Ohnosecond: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a "cube farm" (an office full of cubicles) and everyone's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
Telephone Number Salary : A salary (or project budget) that has seven digits.
Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.
Umfriend: A sexual relationship between friends or a concealed intimate relationship, as in "This is Sarah, my...um...friend."
Yuppie Food Stamps: The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal: "We all owe $8 each, but all anybody's got is yuppie food stamps."
Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, shits over everything and then leaves
Blowing your buffer: Losing your train of thought.
Salmon day: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed in the end.
Chainsaw consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the brass with clean hands.
Career-limiting move (CLM): Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.
Depotphobia: Fear associated with entering a Home Depot because of how much money one might spend. Electronics geeks experience Shackophobia or Frysaphobia.
Adminisphere: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
Dilberted: To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."
Flight Risk: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.
404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found", meaning that the requested document could not be located. "Don't bother asking him...he's 404."
Generica: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, sub-divisions. Used as in "We were so lost in generica that I forgot what city we were in."
GOOD Job - A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job: A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.
Keyboard Plaque: The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards.
Ohnosecond: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a "cube farm" (an office full of cubicles) and everyone's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
Telephone Number Salary : A salary (or project budget) that has seven digits.
You Know Something Is Wrong When...
1. There are so many signs of trouble... How does one keep track of them all?
2. Your accountants letter of resignation is postmarked Panama.
3. You have to hitch hike to the bank to make your car payment.
4. The little league puts you on waivers.
5. Your suggestion box starts ticking.
6. Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the DA is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3.
7. You see your stockbroker hitchhiking out of town.
8. You see the cruise captain running toward the railing wearing a life jacket.
9. They pay your wages out of petty cash.
10. You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed, and have less than you've ever had.
11. Getting there is half the fun and three-fourths of the vacation budget.
12. The simple instructions enclosed aren't.
13. A black cat crosses you path and drops dead.
14. You take an assertiveness training course and you're afraid to tell your wife.
15. You see your wife and your girlfriend having lunch together.
16. Your pacemaker has only a thirty day guarantee.
17. The candles on your cake set off your smoke alarm.
18. The pest exterminator crawls under your house and never comes out.
2. Your accountants letter of resignation is postmarked Panama.
3. You have to hitch hike to the bank to make your car payment.
4. The little league puts you on waivers.
5. Your suggestion box starts ticking.
6. Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the DA is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3.
7. You see your stockbroker hitchhiking out of town.
8. You see the cruise captain running toward the railing wearing a life jacket.
9. They pay your wages out of petty cash.
10. You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed, and have less than you've ever had.
11. Getting there is half the fun and three-fourths of the vacation budget.
12. The simple instructions enclosed aren't.
13. A black cat crosses you path and drops dead.
14. You take an assertiveness training course and you're afraid to tell your wife.
15. You see your wife and your girlfriend having lunch together.
16. Your pacemaker has only a thirty day guarantee.
17. The candles on your cake set off your smoke alarm.
18. The pest exterminator crawls under your house and never comes out.
Woman Translations
At long last... The Men's Guide to what a woman really means when she says something. Pay close attention (there might be a quiz later).
* You want = You want
* We need = I want
* It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
* Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
* We need to talk = I need to complain
* Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to.
* I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
* You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
* You're certainly attentive tonight. = Is sex all you ever think about?
* I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I'm on my period.
* Be romantic, turn out the lights. = I have flabby thighs.
* This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
* I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
* I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white.
* Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
* I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
* Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
* How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.
* I'll be ready in a minute. = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
* Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
* You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.
* Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]
* Yes = No
* No = No
* Maybe = No
* I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry.
* Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it.
* Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
* I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
* All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new pocket books, and OMIGOD those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?
(THE ANSWER TO "WHAT'S WRONG?")
* The same old thing = Nothing
* Nothing = Everything
* Everything = My PMS is acting up
* Nothing, really = It's just that you're such a jerk
* I don't want to talk about it = Go away, I'm still building up steam
* You want = You want
* We need = I want
* It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
* Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
* We need to talk = I need to complain
* Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to.
* I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
* You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
* You're certainly attentive tonight. = Is sex all you ever think about?
* I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I'm on my period.
* Be romantic, turn out the lights. = I have flabby thighs.
* This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
* I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
* I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white.
* Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
* I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
* Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
* How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.
* I'll be ready in a minute. = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
* Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
* You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.
* Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]
* Yes = No
* No = No
* Maybe = No
* I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry.
* Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it.
* Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
* I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
* All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new pocket books, and OMIGOD those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?
(THE ANSWER TO "WHAT'S WRONG?")
* The same old thing = Nothing
* Nothing = Everything
* Everything = My PMS is acting up
* Nothing, really = It's just that you're such a jerk
* I don't want to talk about it = Go away, I'm still building up steam
How To Take A Dump At The Office
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something a brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those of you who hate pooping at work as much as I do, I give you the.........
1999 Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work.
Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.
ESCAPEE
Definition: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of anic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee)
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine guns pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of a COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out of the Closet pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency
pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVEN
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH
Definition: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.
UNCLE TED
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
FLY BY
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walkin, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
1999 Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work.
Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.
ESCAPEE
Definition: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of anic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee)
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine guns pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of a COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out of the Closet pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency
pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVEN
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH
Definition: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.
UNCLE TED
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
FLY BY
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walkin, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
Holiday Cut Backs
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole. Streamlining was necessary due to the North Pole's loss of dominance of the season's gift distribution business.
Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share. He could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.
The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavorable press.
I am pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that way, not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.
As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
- The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;
- The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated;
- The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French;
- The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;
- The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appears to be in order;
- The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one;
- The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement;
- As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;
- Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;
- Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;
- Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line;
We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved. Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorneys' association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), the action is pending.
Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
- Mike Robinson, Triad Consulting
Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share. He could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.
The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavorable press.
I am pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that way, not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.
As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
- The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;
- The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated;
- The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French;
- The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;
- The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appears to be in order;
- The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one;
- The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement;
- As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;
- Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;
- Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;
- Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line;
We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved. Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorneys' association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), the action is pending.
Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
- Mike Robinson, Triad Consulting
United Way VS Lawyer
The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer, so a volunteer was sent to solicit his donation.
"Sir, you have a successful law practice. You must be worth millions. Surely you could give back a little to your community through The United Way."
The lawyer said, "First, are you aware that my mother is dying from a long, painful illness? And that she has medical bills far beyond her ability to pay?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Uh, no."
"Second, did you know my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind, confined to a wheelchair, and unable to support his wife and six children?"
The stricken United Way rep mumbled another, "Uh, no."
"Third, do you realize that my sister's husband died in a dreadful traffic accident leaving her penniless, with a huge mortgage and three young children?"
The United Way rep was humiliated. "No, sir. I had no idea."
The lawyer concluded, "Well, then. If I don't give any money to them, why do you think I'd give any to you?!"
"Sir, you have a successful law practice. You must be worth millions. Surely you could give back a little to your community through The United Way."
The lawyer said, "First, are you aware that my mother is dying from a long, painful illness? And that she has medical bills far beyond her ability to pay?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Uh, no."
"Second, did you know my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind, confined to a wheelchair, and unable to support his wife and six children?"
The stricken United Way rep mumbled another, "Uh, no."
"Third, do you realize that my sister's husband died in a dreadful traffic accident leaving her penniless, with a huge mortgage and three young children?"
The United Way rep was humiliated. "No, sir. I had no idea."
The lawyer concluded, "Well, then. If I don't give any money to them, why do you think I'd give any to you?!"
New Year Resolutions for Pets
15. I will not eat other animals' poop.
14. I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
13. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
12. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
11. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.
10. Cats: Circulate a petition that sleeping become a juried competition in major animal shows.
9. Come to understand that cats are from Venus; dogs are from Mars.
8. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.
7. Hamster: Don't let them figure out I'm just a rat on steroids, or they'll flush me!
6. Get a bite in on that freak who gives me that shot every year.
5. Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much.
4. Cats: Use new living room sofa as scratching post.
3. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock!
January 2nd - December 31: Re-live victory over the sock.
2. The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
AND the Number 1 New Year's Resolutions Made by Pets...
1. I will NOT chase the stick until I see it LEAVE THE IDIOT'S HAND
14. I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
13. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
12. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
11. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.
10. Cats: Circulate a petition that sleeping become a juried competition in major animal shows.
9. Come to understand that cats are from Venus; dogs are from Mars.
8. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.
7. Hamster: Don't let them figure out I'm just a rat on steroids, or they'll flush me!
6. Get a bite in on that freak who gives me that shot every year.
5. Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much.
4. Cats: Use new living room sofa as scratching post.
3. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock!
January 2nd - December 31: Re-live victory over the sock.
2. The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
AND the Number 1 New Year's Resolutions Made by Pets...
1. I will NOT chase the stick until I see it LEAVE THE IDIOT'S HAND
Fun Things To Do At Wal-Mart
* Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
* Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
* When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially down narrow aisles.
* Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.
* Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive."
* Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come Robin--to the Bat cave!"
* Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
* Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission: Impossible."
* Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
* When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.
* Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
* When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially down narrow aisles.
* Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.
* Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive."
* Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come Robin--to the Bat cave!"
* Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
* Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission: Impossible."
* Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
* When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.
The Modern Toolbox
Hammer - In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain on ones enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on oneself.
Screwdriver - The drink ordered at the local bar after you call in a professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage you did while trying to change out a light socket with your handy screwdriver.
Phillips Screwdriver - The bar drink that you order when the damage estimate is over $1,000. Contains twice the vodka.
Pliers - A device used to extend your reach the necessary few inches when you drop a one-of-a-kind screw down behind the new wall it took you two weeks to install.
Multi-Pliers - Contain a handy assortment of sharp and dangerous tools. Best left in its leather sheath and worn on a homeowners belt to increase testosterone levels.
Electronic Stud Finder - An annoying device that never goes off when you point it at yourself.
Halogen Light - A worklight that lights up your backyard with the incandescence of a football stadium, causing you to cast a heavy shadow over the area you're working on so that you need to use a flashlight anyway.
Cordless Drill - A device that lessens your chance of electrocution 90% over a standard plug-in tool.
Cordless Telephone - The handyman's 911.
Air Compressor - A mechanical device similar in principal to harnessing the power of your mother-in-laws nagging complaints and using the resulting airflow to blast old paint off the side of the house.
Chainsaw - Allows you to cut your way out of the shed that you accidentally built completely around yourself.
Vise Grips - A pair of helping hands that doesn't critique the job you're doing or offer advice.
Screwdriver - The drink ordered at the local bar after you call in a professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage you did while trying to change out a light socket with your handy screwdriver.
Phillips Screwdriver - The bar drink that you order when the damage estimate is over $1,000. Contains twice the vodka.
Pliers - A device used to extend your reach the necessary few inches when you drop a one-of-a-kind screw down behind the new wall it took you two weeks to install.
Multi-Pliers - Contain a handy assortment of sharp and dangerous tools. Best left in its leather sheath and worn on a homeowners belt to increase testosterone levels.
Electronic Stud Finder - An annoying device that never goes off when you point it at yourself.
Halogen Light - A worklight that lights up your backyard with the incandescence of a football stadium, causing you to cast a heavy shadow over the area you're working on so that you need to use a flashlight anyway.
Cordless Drill - A device that lessens your chance of electrocution 90% over a standard plug-in tool.
Cordless Telephone - The handyman's 911.
Air Compressor - A mechanical device similar in principal to harnessing the power of your mother-in-laws nagging complaints and using the resulting airflow to blast old paint off the side of the house.
Chainsaw - Allows you to cut your way out of the shed that you accidentally built completely around yourself.
Vise Grips - A pair of helping hands that doesn't critique the job you're doing or offer advice.
Bathroom Philosophy
Some ordinary folks become great philosophers when they are sitting alone in the bathroom stalls of the world contemplating life's problems. Here are a few gems.
Make love, not war. Hell, do both, get married!
- Women's restroom. Bozeman, Montana
I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.
- Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
- Written on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.
If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
- Revolution Books. New York, New York.
Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.
- Men's restroom, Champaign, IL
A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
- Women's restroom, Dallas, Texas.
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap.
- Mens Room, Linda's Bar and Grill., Chapel Hill, North Carolina.
If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!
- Men's restroom, House of Representatives. Washington, D.C.
Make love, not war. Hell, do both, get married!
- Women's restroom. Bozeman, Montana
I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.
- Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
- Written on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.
If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
- Revolution Books. New York, New York.
Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.
- Men's restroom, Champaign, IL
A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
- Women's restroom, Dallas, Texas.
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap.
- Mens Room, Linda's Bar and Grill., Chapel Hill, North Carolina.
If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!
- Men's restroom, House of Representatives. Washington, D.C.
Top Ten Kids' Instructions On Life
1. "Wear a hat when feeding seagulls."
- Rocky, age 9
2. "Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning."
- Stephanie, age 8
3. "Never bug a pregnant mom."
- Nicholas, age 11
4. "When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' don't answer him."
- Heather, age 16
5. "Never tell your mom her diet's not working."
- Michael, age 14
6. "When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone."
- Alyesha, age 13
7. "Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mom told you to do."
- Hank, age 12
8. "Never dare your little brother to paint the family car."
- Phillip, age 13
9. "Remember the two places you are always welcome-church and Grandma's house."
- Joanne, age 11
10. "When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents."
- Matthew, age 12
- Rocky, age 9
2. "Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning."
- Stephanie, age 8
3. "Never bug a pregnant mom."
- Nicholas, age 11
4. "When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' don't answer him."
- Heather, age 16
5. "Never tell your mom her diet's not working."
- Michael, age 14
6. "When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone."
- Alyesha, age 13
7. "Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mom told you to do."
- Hank, age 12
8. "Never dare your little brother to paint the family car."
- Phillip, age 13
9. "Remember the two places you are always welcome-church and Grandma's house."
- Joanne, age 11
10. "When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents."
- Matthew, age 12
The Top 10 Geek T-Shirt Slogans
1. COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key
2. <-------- The information went data way
3. The name is Baud......, James Baud.
4. Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!
5. Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
6. Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
7. Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
8. ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
9. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
10. Go ahead, make my data!
2. <-------- The information went data way
3. The name is Baud......, James Baud.
4. Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!
5. Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
6. Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
7. Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
8. ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
9. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
10. Go ahead, make my data!
Pay the price
A man walks into a bar and says, "Excuse me, I'd like a pint of beer."
The bartender serves the drink and says, "That'll be four dollars."
The customer pulls out a twenty-dollar bill and hands it to the bartender.
"Sorry, sir," the bartender says, "but I can't accept that."
The man pulls out a ten-dollar bill and the bartender rejects his money again. "What's going on here?" the man asks.
Pointing to a neon sign, the bartender explains, "This is a Singles Bar."
The bartender serves the drink and says, "That'll be four dollars."
The customer pulls out a twenty-dollar bill and hands it to the bartender.
"Sorry, sir," the bartender says, "but I can't accept that."
The man pulls out a ten-dollar bill and the bartender rejects his money again. "What's going on here?" the man asks.
Pointing to a neon sign, the bartender explains, "This is a Singles Bar."
It Was So Cold...
It was so cold... we had to stop eating with metal cutlery. Some people walked around for days with spoons or forks stuck to their tongues!
It was so cold... hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!
It was so cold... roosters were rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!
It was so cold... when I dialed 911, a recorded message said to phone back in the spring!
It was so cold... the optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses!
It was so cold... kids were using a new excuse to stay up late: "But Mom, my pyjamas haven't thawed out yet!"
It was so cold... the travel agency was advertising tropical vacations in Igloolik!
It was so cold... pickpockets were sticking their hands in strangers' pockets just to keep them warm!
It was so cold... the squirrels in the park were throwing themselves at an electric fence!
It was so cold... I chipped a tooth on my soup!
It was so cold... Grandpa’s teeth were chattering - in the glass!
It was so cold... the dogs were wearing cats!
It was so cold... Starbucks was serving coffee on a stick!
It was so cold... Levi Strauss started manufacturing electric jeans!
It was so cold... the rats were bribing the alley cats for a snuggle.
It was so cold... we had to chop up the piano for firewood - but we only got two chords.
It was so cold... we had to carry around hammers and chisels so we could get out of our parkas!
It was so cold... kids stopped worrying about acne. The new problem - goosepimples!
It was so cold... when we milked the cows, we got ice cream! When we milked the brown cows - we got chocolate ice cream!
It was so cold... words froze in the air. If you wanted to hear what someone said, you had to grab a handful of sentences and take them in by the fire!
It was so cold... the dogs had to put jumper cables on the rabbits - just to get them running!
It was so cold... Playboy magazine stopped publishing because no women would take their clothes off.
It was so cold... we pulled everything out of the freezer and huddled inside it to warm up!
It was so cold... the Husky Association was making emergency service calls to get the dog teams started!
It was so cold... when we parked the sled, we either had to plug in the dogs - or keep them running in place!
It was so cold... people with traffic tickets would plead guilty and beg for the electric chair!
It was so cold... the snowflakes froze in the air. Birds hopped from one snowflake to another to get into the trees.
It was so cold... terrorists started to stockpile weapons-grade hot chocolate!
It was so cold... the politicians had their hands in their OWN pockets!
It was so cold... beauty contestants had to draw pictures of themselves for the swimsuit competition! It was the first time talent was an asset in that event!
It was so cold... my mail broke when I tried to pry open the envelope!
It was so cold... UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii!
It was so cold... I actually enjoyed it when someone spilled scalding hot coffee on my lap!
It was so cold... Throps and Squallhoots were constantly hugging!
It was so cold... Richard Simmons started wearing pants!
It was so cold... the fake Rolex sellers were selling fake heaters! ??It was so cold... Mr. Smith's toupee turned white for the winter!
It was so cold... Mr. Bumstead's toupee took off and migrated south!
It was so cold... my dental fillings became dislodged due to the constant shivering!
It was so cold... people stopped complaining about the radioactive steam coming out of manholes!
It was so cold... the muggers were phoning in sick!
It was so cold... a streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring.
It was so cold... when I got sick - Mom had to give me a block of chicken soup!
It was so cold... the Polar Bears were buying fur coats!
It was so cold... the snowman knocked on the door and asked to sleep on the couch!
It was so cold... people with the sniffles had to suck on NyQuil popsicles!
It was so cold... we didn't clean the house - we just defrosted it!
It was so cold... you could pick up used vans cheap down at "Ice Cream Vendor Surplus".
It was so cold... my Dad was wearing golfing gloves on both hands!
It was so cold... Pamela Anderson was downgraded from "hot" to "tepid".
It was so cold... hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!
It was so cold... roosters were rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!
It was so cold... when I dialed 911, a recorded message said to phone back in the spring!
It was so cold... the optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses!
It was so cold... kids were using a new excuse to stay up late: "But Mom, my pyjamas haven't thawed out yet!"
It was so cold... the travel agency was advertising tropical vacations in Igloolik!
It was so cold... pickpockets were sticking their hands in strangers' pockets just to keep them warm!
It was so cold... the squirrels in the park were throwing themselves at an electric fence!
It was so cold... I chipped a tooth on my soup!
It was so cold... Grandpa’s teeth were chattering - in the glass!
It was so cold... the dogs were wearing cats!
It was so cold... Starbucks was serving coffee on a stick!
It was so cold... Levi Strauss started manufacturing electric jeans!
It was so cold... the rats were bribing the alley cats for a snuggle.
It was so cold... we had to chop up the piano for firewood - but we only got two chords.
It was so cold... we had to carry around hammers and chisels so we could get out of our parkas!
It was so cold... kids stopped worrying about acne. The new problem - goosepimples!
It was so cold... when we milked the cows, we got ice cream! When we milked the brown cows - we got chocolate ice cream!
It was so cold... words froze in the air. If you wanted to hear what someone said, you had to grab a handful of sentences and take them in by the fire!
It was so cold... the dogs had to put jumper cables on the rabbits - just to get them running!
It was so cold... Playboy magazine stopped publishing because no women would take their clothes off.
It was so cold... we pulled everything out of the freezer and huddled inside it to warm up!
It was so cold... the Husky Association was making emergency service calls to get the dog teams started!
It was so cold... when we parked the sled, we either had to plug in the dogs - or keep them running in place!
It was so cold... people with traffic tickets would plead guilty and beg for the electric chair!
It was so cold... the snowflakes froze in the air. Birds hopped from one snowflake to another to get into the trees.
It was so cold... terrorists started to stockpile weapons-grade hot chocolate!
It was so cold... the politicians had their hands in their OWN pockets!
It was so cold... beauty contestants had to draw pictures of themselves for the swimsuit competition! It was the first time talent was an asset in that event!
It was so cold... my mail broke when I tried to pry open the envelope!
It was so cold... UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii!
It was so cold... I actually enjoyed it when someone spilled scalding hot coffee on my lap!
It was so cold... Throps and Squallhoots were constantly hugging!
It was so cold... Richard Simmons started wearing pants!
It was so cold... the fake Rolex sellers were selling fake heaters! ??It was so cold... Mr. Smith's toupee turned white for the winter!
It was so cold... Mr. Bumstead's toupee took off and migrated south!
It was so cold... my dental fillings became dislodged due to the constant shivering!
It was so cold... people stopped complaining about the radioactive steam coming out of manholes!
It was so cold... the muggers were phoning in sick!
It was so cold... a streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring.
It was so cold... when I got sick - Mom had to give me a block of chicken soup!
It was so cold... the Polar Bears were buying fur coats!
It was so cold... the snowman knocked on the door and asked to sleep on the couch!
It was so cold... people with the sniffles had to suck on NyQuil popsicles!
It was so cold... we didn't clean the house - we just defrosted it!
It was so cold... you could pick up used vans cheap down at "Ice Cream Vendor Surplus".
It was so cold... my Dad was wearing golfing gloves on both hands!
It was so cold... Pamela Anderson was downgraded from "hot" to "tepid".
Banana Jokes
Why are bananas never lonely?... Because they hang around in bunches.
How do you catch King Kong?... Hang upside down and make a noise like a banana.
What did the banana say to the elephant?... Nothing. Bananas can’t talk.
Why did the banana go out with the prune?... Because he couldn’t find a date.
Why did the banana go out with the prune? Because he couldn’t find a date.
Why aren't they going to grow bananas any longer?... Because they're long enough already.
What do you do if you see a blue banana?... Try to cheer it up.
What’s yellow and writes?... A ball-point banana.
What is yellow and goes bzzzzzz?... An electric banana.
Why did the man lose his job in a fruit packing firm?... He kept throwing the bent bananas away.
How did the Mother Banana spoil the Baby Banana?... She left him out in the sun too long.
Why don’t bananas snore?... Because they don’t want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
What is yellow on the inside and green on the outside ? A banana dressed up as a cucumber.
What’s yellow and flashes?... A banana with a loose connection.
Why do bananas wear suntan lotion?... Because they peel!
What did the boy banana say to the girl banana?... You have a lot of appeal.
What is the difference between a banana and a bell?... You can only peel (peal) the banana once.
Why is a banana peel on the sidewalk like music? Because if you don’t C sharp you'll B flat.
What would you call two bananas?... A pair of slippers.
What is long and yellow and always points north?... A magnetic banana.
What is a ghost favorite fruit?... Boonanaa
Why did the banana go to see the doctor?... The banana was not peeling very well.
Why were the monkeys gravely ill after consuming an entire grove of bananas?... They got yellow fever.
What did Momma Banana say to calm her boys down after their fight?... Quit yer g-ripen!
Why couldn't Anna visit the King?... He had the guards ban-anna from the castle.
Why couldn't the police arrest the banana the Monday after the Great Ice Cream Robbery?... Because the banana split sundae.
What did the old banana trapper sell at the trading post?... Banana skins and peelts.
What was the highlight of the banana gymnast's performance?... A banana split.
What did the banana racers do when they saw the police coming?... They peeled out of there.
How are bellies like bananas?... The older you get, the less firm they are.
What is Beethoven's favorite fruit?... Banana..na....! Banana..na....! (sing to the tune of 5th symphony)
Knock knock... Who’s there?...Banana... Banana who?
Knock knock... Who’s there?...Banana... Banana who?
Knock knock... Who’s there?... Orange... Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?
Knock Knock... Who’s there?
Banana... Banana who?
Banana split so ice creamed!
Teacher: What is Ba + Na2?
Pupil: Banana.
How do you catch King Kong?... Hang upside down and make a noise like a banana.
What did the banana say to the elephant?... Nothing. Bananas can’t talk.
Why did the banana go out with the prune?... Because he couldn’t find a date.
Why did the banana go out with the prune? Because he couldn’t find a date.
Why aren't they going to grow bananas any longer?... Because they're long enough already.
What do you do if you see a blue banana?... Try to cheer it up.
What’s yellow and writes?... A ball-point banana.
What is yellow and goes bzzzzzz?... An electric banana.
Why did the man lose his job in a fruit packing firm?... He kept throwing the bent bananas away.
How did the Mother Banana spoil the Baby Banana?... She left him out in the sun too long.
Why don’t bananas snore?... Because they don’t want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
What is yellow on the inside and green on the outside ? A banana dressed up as a cucumber.
What’s yellow and flashes?... A banana with a loose connection.
Why do bananas wear suntan lotion?... Because they peel!
What did the boy banana say to the girl banana?... You have a lot of appeal.
What is the difference between a banana and a bell?... You can only peel (peal) the banana once.
Why is a banana peel on the sidewalk like music? Because if you don’t C sharp you'll B flat.
What would you call two bananas?... A pair of slippers.
What is long and yellow and always points north?... A magnetic banana.
What is a ghost favorite fruit?... Boonanaa
Why did the banana go to see the doctor?... The banana was not peeling very well.
Why were the monkeys gravely ill after consuming an entire grove of bananas?... They got yellow fever.
What did Momma Banana say to calm her boys down after their fight?... Quit yer g-ripen!
Why couldn't Anna visit the King?... He had the guards ban-anna from the castle.
Why couldn't the police arrest the banana the Monday after the Great Ice Cream Robbery?... Because the banana split sundae.
What did the old banana trapper sell at the trading post?... Banana skins and peelts.
What was the highlight of the banana gymnast's performance?... A banana split.
What did the banana racers do when they saw the police coming?... They peeled out of there.
How are bellies like bananas?... The older you get, the less firm they are.
What is Beethoven's favorite fruit?... Banana..na....! Banana..na....! (sing to the tune of 5th symphony)
Knock knock... Who’s there?...Banana... Banana who?
Knock knock... Who’s there?...Banana... Banana who?
Knock knock... Who’s there?... Orange... Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?
Knock Knock... Who’s there?
Banana... Banana who?
Banana split so ice creamed!
Teacher: What is Ba + Na2?
Pupil: Banana.
Why the Star Wars Chicken Crossed the Road?
VADER: Because it could not resist the power of the Dark Side.
YODA: Crossing the road makes not a chicken great.
LUKE: Crossing the road is one thing, this is.... totally different.
LUKE: I want to follow the ways of the chicken and cross the road like my father.
LEIA: I don't know... but I have a bad feeling about this.
HAN: Hurry up, colonel sanders, or you're gonna be a permanent resident!
THREEPIO: I am fluent in over six million ways of crossing the road.
R2D2: beep beep be bop.
CHEWIE: Gwrrroooooaaaarrrrrrlllllll!
BEN: Cross the road, chicken. Let go, chicken. Chicken - trust me.
BOBA FETT: What if the chicken doesn't survive? He's worth a lot to me!?WEDGE: My scope shows the other side but it looks really far, are you sure you can cross it?
JERJERROD: The chicken is crossing the road? We shall double our efforts.
BIB: Die chicken wanga?
BIGGS: At that speed, will you be able to cross in time?
TARKIN: The regional governors now have direct control over their chickens. Fear will keep those chickens in line... fear of getting hit by a car!
UNCLE OWEN: I told you to forget it. You're only concern is to cross that road.
AUNT BERU: He can't stay here forever. Most of his friends have already crossed. It means so much to him.
ADMIRAL ACKBAR: All chickens - prepare to cross the road on my mark.
LANDO: Why you slimy, no good, double-crossing chicken!! You got a lot of guts crossing that road, after what you pulled!
EMPEROR: Young fool. Only now, after getting hit by a car do you understand.
JABBA: Bo shuda chicken!
YODA: Crossing the road makes not a chicken great.
LUKE: Crossing the road is one thing, this is.... totally different.
LUKE: I want to follow the ways of the chicken and cross the road like my father.
LEIA: I don't know... but I have a bad feeling about this.
HAN: Hurry up, colonel sanders, or you're gonna be a permanent resident!
THREEPIO: I am fluent in over six million ways of crossing the road.
R2D2: beep beep be bop.
CHEWIE: Gwrrroooooaaaarrrrrrlllllll!
BEN: Cross the road, chicken. Let go, chicken. Chicken - trust me.
BOBA FETT: What if the chicken doesn't survive? He's worth a lot to me!?WEDGE: My scope shows the other side but it looks really far, are you sure you can cross it?
JERJERROD: The chicken is crossing the road? We shall double our efforts.
BIB: Die chicken wanga?
BIGGS: At that speed, will you be able to cross in time?
TARKIN: The regional governors now have direct control over their chickens. Fear will keep those chickens in line... fear of getting hit by a car!
UNCLE OWEN: I told you to forget it. You're only concern is to cross that road.
AUNT BERU: He can't stay here forever. Most of his friends have already crossed. It means so much to him.
ADMIRAL ACKBAR: All chickens - prepare to cross the road on my mark.
LANDO: Why you slimy, no good, double-crossing chicken!! You got a lot of guts crossing that road, after what you pulled!
EMPEROR: Young fool. Only now, after getting hit by a car do you understand.
JABBA: Bo shuda chicken!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)