What Is Politics?

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep poo."

Wm. Shakespeare's Five and Twenty Random Things About Me

The meme is older than anyone guessed! Here it is, something I just dug up at the library: the First Folio edition of...

1. Sometimes I Feele so trapp'd by iambic pentameter... Does that make me a Freake?
2. I haue been Knowne to cry at Bear-baiting.
3. I am not uery ticklish. I am Not. So prithee, do not euen try. Waste. Of. Time.
4. I cannot keep Lice, and know not why.
5. Sometimes I thinke plays are all Talke, Talke Talke, and wish for a cart-chase scene. I tried one in The Merry Wives, but it looked like Shitte, so I cut it. The men playing the horses were so Pissed at me.
6. I once threw vp on a man's head, from a high Windowe. I was so fvcking Sicke that Daye.
7. I hate to wear a Ruff, for I haue such a pleasing Necke.
8. As a player, I am painful-slow to learn my part. Once whilst playing Edward I, I used the prompter so ouermuch that a groundling yell'd ~Stop interrupting, Will! And it was my Dadde. (Kydding!)
9. Sometimes when I am Stvck for a rhyme, I new-mint a Worde because I jvst want to get the Damned script ovt the fvcking doore.
10. I play the Flute yet poorly, but I can make any crumhorn beg for Mercy.
11. When I am happy I call Anne my Kicky-wicky. When I am cross I call her "Olde Fun Killer Hag-Ass."
12. I keepe my Stashe hidden in our seconde best bedde. Shhh. Don't tell the Fyve-Oh.
13. The people that loue my Wordes the best are always the most disappointed vpon meeting me. Is thisse List ouer yet?
14. On the topic of dating, my daughter Susanna loues to remind me: ~Jvliet was only thirteen! And I remind her that i) she was Italian, an impulsive race ii), she was actually played by a middle-aged Eunuch named Ned, and iii) she died. That always shvts her right vp.
15. I deteste it when the Low-Comedians improuise the scenes I writ them... becavse they always make them so mvch fvnnier.
16. I haue, on occasion, thovght abovt hiring a Boy to fixe my Latin.
17. When I was sixe, my Goode-Friend Charles brovght to Schoole a wood-cut of his mother, qvite naked. After that we called him Charles Nudie-Mummy, whiche did make him Crye.
18. I take my eggs ouer-medium. If I get them O'er-Easily, I tell my Porter, ~You may thinke this is what I ordered, but it's snot. I thinke that one is a real Slap-A-Th'Knee.
19. I work ovt my calues thrice weekly, usvally three pyramid sets of Calf-Rises whilst holding a flagon of Meade. I knowe I should stretch afterwards, but it Bores me so I do it not.
20. As a boy in my Bed, I would shriek i'the night that Witches wovld come to eat me. My Mother (bless her) wovld smooth my Hair and whispr ~ Be not afear'd, the Witches onlie eat the Jews.
21. Whitsuntide has become so commercial.
22. Nobody euer forgets where they were the moment they heard that Thomas Kyd died. I was shopping for codpieces in West Cheape. I came ovt of the Change-room and the proprietress was i'tears. I said ~What is it, now? and she replied ~Kyd is dead. There was a melancholy qviet, and then she said ~And that Piece is a mite too small on ye.
23. Euery time we do the Taming of the Shrew, some pvnter wants his Money backe, because we don't actually show a shrew getting tamed.
24. I do not vnderstand all the Fvss over Currants. Sure, they are both sweet and Small, but must they bee added to EUERY FVCKING MEAL these days? Yestermonth, found I currants in a Tarte of Spinnedge. I meane come on, People. Seriovsly.
25. When I am feeling Melancholic, I console myselfe with the Knowledge that, aboue all else, I will be remembered for my Musick.

The 92 year old's confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old . I'm telling everybody!"

Never underestimate the old guy

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes.
We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.
My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one.
And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.
"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

The Power of a Badge

A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish... On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"
The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life - chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs...
"Your badge! Show him your BADGE!"