A clear moral

One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go home 
and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story.
The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer
to tell a story. Suzy said, "Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the 
truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday 
we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the
road." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies, 
"Don't keep all your eggs in one basket." 

Next is little Lucy. "Well, my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we 
take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 
8 of the 12 eggs hatched." The teacher asks for the moral of the story.
Lucy replies "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

Last is little Billy. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane 
was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with 
only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he 
drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of
100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun but ran out of 
bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on 
his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands". 
The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any
moral to his story. Billy replies, "Don't fuck with uncle Ted when he's
been drinking."

Homework

One day, when Billy came home from school, his mom 
asked him how his day went. He said, "We're learning 
about sexual education." She smiled, and said, "At 
least he's learning something usefull." Billy went up 
to his room. A little later, Billy's mom went up to his 
room to call him down to dinner. She opens his door and 
sees him jerking off. She says, "Billy, when you're 
done with your homework, supper's on the table."

Finding the right answers

Did you hear about the 10 year old boy who asked his recently
divorced mother her age? She told him that was not a question
to ask and that he shouldn't ask it again.

He then asked her her weight. She, once again, told him that she
wouldn't answer the question and that he shouldn't ask it again.
The next question he asked was why she and Daddy got divorced.
Once again, she told him that it was not a question he should ask
and to not ask that question again. He went away.

A few minutes later, she found him digging in her purse. She asked
what he was doing and as he turn toward his mother, he beamingly told
her he had found all the answers to his questions by looking at her
driver's license.

He said, "Mother, you're 34 years old, weigh 125 pounds and Daddy
divorced you because you got an 'F' in sex." 

A teacher was working with a group of underprivileged children

A teacher was working with a group of underprivileged children,
trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration.
With their eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice
stones to pine cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits.
Then one day, the teacher brought in a great variety of lifesavers,
more flavors than you could ever imagine.

"Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these,"
announced the teacher. Without difficulty, they managed to identify
the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher
had them put honey flavored lifesavers in their mouths, every one
of the children was stumped.

"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your
Daddy and Mommy probably call each other all the time."

Instantly, one of the children spat the lifesaver out of his mouth
and shouted, "Spit 'em out, you guys, they're assholes!" 

Matering checking

Her teenage son was having trouble mastering the fine points of 
balancing his new checking account.  "The bank returned the 
check you wrote to the sporting goods store," she said.

"Oh good," he said, "Now I can use it to buy some stereo
equipment!"

Little Johnny catches his parents

Little Johnny catches his parents going at it. He yells in, "Hey, 
Pop! What are you doin'?"
His father says, "Son, I'm filling your mother's tank."
Johnny says, "Oh, yeah? Well, you better get a model that 
gets better mileage. The postman filled her this morning." 

A man was taking his wife...

A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins,
to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed.
Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless
world-class practical joker, sitting at his bed side.

He asked his brother how his wife was and his brother replied,
"Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter.
But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates
filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious,
I named them for you."

The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has he
done now?" and said with trepidation,
"Well what did you name them?"

The brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise."

The husband, relieved, said, "That's a very pretty name!
What did you come up with for my son?"

The brother replied, "Denephew."

A necessary condition

There were three little boys visiting their grandparents. 

The oldest came out and asked his grandpa, "Can you make a sound 
like a frog, Grandpappy? 
Grandpa (being in a kind of ill mood) responds, "No, I don't really 
want to make the sound of a frog now."

So, the second little boy comes out and asks his grandfather, "Will
you please make a sound like a frog?" 
Grandpa again says, "No, not now.  I don't really want to do that.  
I'm in a grumpy mood.  Maybe later."

Then the third little boy comes out and says, "Grandpa, oh please... 
Please, please will you make a sound like a frog?"

"Why do all of you boys want me to make a sound like a frog?" Grandpa 
asked. 

The little boy replied with a hopeful face, "Well, Mom said that when
you croak we get to go to Disney World!"

Earn it hiking

A father came home from a long business trip to find his son 
riding a very fancy new 10 speed bike. "Where did you get the 
money for the bike? It must have cost $300." 

"Easy, Dad," the boy replied. "I earned it hiking." 

"Come on," the father said. "Tell me the truth." 

"That is the truth," the boy replied. "Every night you were gone, 
Mr. Reynolds from the grocery store would come over to see 
Mom. He'd give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!"

One day in class

One day in class the teacher has sex education.On the black board she draws
a penis then asks the class if any of them knows what it is.In the back of
the room,Dirty Johnny stands and says "That's a penis,and my father has two
of them". The teacher looks surprised and asks "What do you mean,two?"Dirty
Johnny responds,"A little one to pee,and a big one to brush the baby sitters
teeth."

"Winnie The ????"

It was the first day after Christmas vacation in a 3rd grade class.
The teacher told the class that each student could tell the class one
thing they got for Christmas. So, the teacher calls on a girl to come up to
the front of the class and tell everyone 1 thing she got.
"My daddy got me a Bow-Wow," she said.
The teacher tells the class that they are old enough to know the correct
words for things without using nicknames. The teacher tells the girl to
try again. The girl thinks real hard ........
"My dad got me a dog," she said.
She sat down and a boy got up and said, "I got a choo-choo!"
The teacher scolded him and told him to try again. The boy thought hard
and said, "I got an electric train!!"
That boy sits down and a really shy kid gets up and sadly says,
"I got a book" The teacher feels bad for the kid and she asks,
"What was the title of the book??"
   The boy thinks very hard. The class waits as the boy is thinking.
   Finally, the boys face brightened and he said,
   "Winnie The Shit!!"

The Hazards of Kicking the Cat

There was a little boy with a bad attitude. He was at home one day
   doing his chores. He
   was feeding the chickens and he got mad and kicked one across the
   yard. He was feeding
   the hogs and got mad and kicked the hell out of one of them also. He
   was milking the cow
   and it kept hitting him in the face with its tail so he kicked it,
   too. His mom had been
   watching him and told him he couldn't have any chicken, beef, or pork
   for a month
   because he was a mean little bastard. She told him to wait 'til his
   dad got home. His dad
   came home and tripped over the pussy cat and he got mad and kicked
   that cat across the
   room. The little boy looked at his mom and said, "Are you going to
   tell him or am I?"
   

little Billy comes home from kindergarten for lunch

One day, little Billy comes home from kindergarten for lunch. Not
   finding his mother in the
   kitchen, or the living room, he heads upstairs to check her bedroom.
   He opens the door,
   and what does he see, but his father, who had also come home for
   lunch, stripped naked,
   on top of his mother, also naked, heavily into the act of lovemaking.
   Not wanting to
   traumatize the boy, the parents continue as if nothing was wrong.
   Billy watches, and after a
   couple of minutes asks,"Daddy, can I climb on and have a horsie ride?"
   "Of course, Son,
   we're a family." So Billy climbs on and after a few more minutes his
   mother starts
   moaning and writhing wildly. "Hang on Dad!", cries Billy, "this is
   where me and the
   mailman usually falls off!"

the first day of school

It was the first day of school, and the elementary school teacher was
establishing the fact
that she'd take no nonsense from the kiddies this year. While taking
the roll, she was told
by one boy "My name is Johnny Fuckhauer". So she said "There'll be
none of that kind of
thing this year, Johnny; tell me your REAL name!". The kid said "No,
really teacher, it IS
Johnny Fuckhauer. You can go across the hall to fourth grade and ask
my brother if you
don't believe me!" Not wanting to be subjected to that kind of thing,
the teacher went
across the hall and knocked on the fourth grade classroom door. The
fourth grade teacher
had stepped down the hall to the front office for a moment, so she
entered the room and
directly asked the class "Do you have a Fuckhauer in here?" "Hell no!"
replied a little kid
from the front row, "We don't even get a cookie break!"

An 8 year old boy

An 8 year old boy walks home from school each day past an 8 year old
   girls house. One
   day as he is passing by, carrying a football, he can't resist taunting
   the girl. He holds up
   the football and says, "See this football? Football is a boys game,
   and only boys can have a
   football!". The little girl runs into the house and cries to her
   mother, "I want a football!"
   Being a woman of the 90's, her mother runs out and gets her one.
   The next day the girl is waiting for the little boy and he rides up on
   his bike. She holds up
   the football, "Nah Nah Nah Nah". The little boy angryly points to his
   bike and says, "Oh
   yeah, well this is a boys bike and only boys get boys bikes and you
   can't have one!" She
   runs in to mom and the next day is waiting for him on her new boys
   bike.
   The little boy gets furious and pulls down his pants, and pointing to
   his most private of
   parts says, "Look, only boys have these and your mom can't buy you
   one!!!". The next
   day he walks by and asks her, "Well, I guess I showed you!" to which
   she promptly pulls
   up her dress, points to her parts and proclaims "My mother tells me
   that as long as I have
   one of these I can have as many of THOSE as I want!

THE IRS LETTER...

THE IRS LETTER...
   
   Dear Sirs:
   I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the
   three dependents I claimed on my 1996 Federal Tax return. Thank you. I
   have questioned whether these are my children or not for years. They
   are evil and expensive.
   It's only fair, since they are minors and not my responsbility, that
   the government (who evidently is taxing me more to care for these waifs)
   knows something about them and what to expect over the next year. You
   may apply next year to reassign them to me and reinstate the
   deduction.
   This year they are yours!

   The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brillant. Ask her! I suggest
   you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's
   questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it
   has not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can name.
   Taxes should be a breeze. Next year she is going to college. I think
   it's wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little
   expense. While you mull that over, keep in mind that she has a truck.
   It doesn't run at the moment so you have the immediate decision of
   appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle or
   getting up early to drive her to school.
   Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While she possesses all of the
   wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to
   occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, and in the face
   of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable and I am
   quite relieved you will be handling this in the future. May I suggest
   that you reinstate Jocelyn Elders who had a rather good handle on the
   problem.

   Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a
   little close together for normal people. He may be a tax examiner
   himself one day if you do not incarcerate him first. In February, I
   was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing
   Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. Kids at 14 will do
   almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye,
   temporary dye, what the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have
   plenty of time as he is sitting out a few days of school after
   instigating a food fight. I'll take care of filing your phone number
   with the vice principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging
   hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more
   peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave any of them
   unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables,
   vehicles, or telephones. (I'm sure that you will find telephones a
   source of unimaginable amusement, and be sure to lock out the 900 and
   976 numbers!).

   Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared quite
   by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21.
   She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes,
   beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you
   will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial
   reading courses. Hooked on Phonics is expensive so the schools dropped
   it. Good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the
   deduction that you are denying!

   It's quite obvious that we are terrible parents (ask the other two) so
   they've helped raise this child to a new level of terror. She cannot
   speak English. Most people under eighteen can understand the curious
   lingo she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the odd/reggae/yuppie/
   political doublespeak. I don't. The school sends her to a speech
   pathologist who has her roll her R's. It added a refreshing
   Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, pants
   baggy and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a
   fascination with tattoos that worries me but I am sure that you can
   handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, she sort of "nests"
   in her room and I think that it would be easier to move the entire
   thing than find out what it is really made of.
   You denied two of the three exemptions so it is only fair you get to
   pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest, I
   still go bankrupt with Kristen's college but then I am free! If you
   take the two oldest then I still have time for counseling before
   Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls then I won't feel so bad
   about putting Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know of
   your decision as soon as possible as I have already increased the
   withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and made a down payment
   on an airplane.
   Sincerly,

A little girl was out with her Grandmother

A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a
couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk.
"What are they doing, Grandma?" asked the little girl.
The grandmother was embarrased, so she said, "The dog on top has hurt
his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor."
They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?" said the little one.
"How do you mean?" asked the Grandma.
"Offer someone a helping hand," said the little girl, "and they fuck
you everytime!"

Old enough for cursing

Two brothers, ages 6 and 8, decide they are old enough to start cursing. So
they plan to use dirty words the next morning at breakfast. The 8-year-old
says he'll use the world HELL and tells the 6-year-old to use ASS.
Well, the next morning they head downstairs for breakfast. And when their
mother asks them what they want, the 8-year-old says, "Ah, Hell, I'll have
some Fruit Loops."
Shocked, the mother wheels around and backhands him on his
chair, sending him screaming back upstairs. She then turns to the 6-year-old
and says, "What are you going to have?" He replies, "I don't know, but
you can bet your ass it ain't gonna be Fruit Loops."

Backward Santa

As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, 
"And what would you like for Christmas?"

The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a 
minute, then gasped: "Didn't you get my E-mail?"

Mom took little johnny

Mom took little johnny to the doctor for lacerations on his penis.
Doc. said, how did such a thing happen?   Johnny said,  "It's 
that damn neighbor girl, Suzy.   Her braces are too darned 
sharp."

Little Johnny's

Little Johnny's is coming home from the store swinging the loaf 
of bread in one hand and the other hand in his pants pocket.

Along come Priest Joe and he thinks to himself, "This is a good
opportunity to say something from the bible to Little Johnny."

He walks up to Little Johnny and says, "I see Little Johnny that 
you have the Staff of Life in one hand.  What do you have in the 
other?"

Little Johnny replies, "A loaf of bread Father."

A young teenager

A young teenager comes home from school and asks her 
mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me?  That babies 
come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?"

"Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had 
finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it.
     
"But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?"

Timmy, 10 years OLD

10 year old Timmy comes home from daycare and tells his mom that he thinks
his babysitter is gay.

"Whatever makes you think THAT?!!?" says mom.

Timmy replies, "Because his dick tasted like shit!"