Nutrition & Exercise: The Facts

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.

Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat; your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain....Good.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO ..... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Have a cookie ... flour is a veggie! One more thing..."When life hands you lemons, ask for a bottle of tequila and some salt."

Nun

A guy is walking up to a doctor's office when a nun comes running out screaming and crying.

The guy walks in and says, "Doc, what's with the nun?"

The doctor says, "Oh, I just told her she's pregnant."

The guy says, "The nun's pregnant?"

The doctor says, "No. But it certainly cured her hiccups!"

Golfing Injury

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man.

"I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows."

"We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball........stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake....."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"

Career Change

A gynecologist decides that he needs a change of pace, so he leaves the medical field to become an auto mechanic.

After many months laboring at auto mechanic school, the day finally comes to take his final exam.

He takes the exam and completes it in the required time, then leaves.

When he gets his exam grade in the mail, he is shocked, yet pleasantly surprised to find that his final grade on the exam is 200%.

As he reviews the exam in closer detail, he notices some remarks written by the professor, which read:

"50% for taking the engine apart correctly, 50% for putting it back together correctly, and an extra 100% for doing it all through the muffler."

NASA

It was a celebratory mood with the boys at NASA; they had just made the scientific achievement of a lifetime.

As they were uncorking a bottle of champagne, Dr. Lowenstein, the head scientist at NASA, asked everyone to be quiet as he had received a congratulatory phone call from the President of the United States.

He picked up a special red phone, and spoke into it. "Mr. President," said Dr. Lowenstein, grinning broadly, "after twelve years of hard research and billions of dollars spent, we have finally found intelligent life on Mars."

He listened for a second, and his smile gradually disappeared, replaced by a frown.

He said, "But that's impossible . . . we could never do it. . . yes Mr.. President," and hung up the phone.

He addressed the crowd of scientists staring at him curiously. "I have some bad news," he said, "the President said that now that we've found intelligent life on Mars . . . he wants us to try to find it in Congress."

Praying for a Bike

A little boy wanted $100 to buy a new bike, and his mother told him to pray to God for it. He prayed and prayed for two weeks, but nothing turned up. Then he decided perhaps he should write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, they opened it up and decided to send it to the President. The President was so impressed, touched and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a check for $5.00. He thought that this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank-you letter to God, which read:

Dear God;
Thank you very much for the money. I noticed that you had to send it through Washington. As usual, they deducted $95.00 for themselves.

Speech Writer

If I were George W. Bush's Speech Writer…

"Good evening my fellow Americans. First I want to pass on condolences to the people of New York and all Americans that are hurting in this tragic time. Rest assured that anything and everything that can be done to assure the safety of our Country, will be done."

"This is the greatest country in the world and we will get through this trying time. Now is the time for all people to set aside our petty differences and show the world that no one and nothing can destroy the fortitude of the American people."

"To the people responsible for this tragedy, I say this- Are you f*cking kidding me? Are the turbans on your heads wrapped too tight? Have you gone too long without a bath? Do you not know who you are f*cking with?"

"Americans are so hungry to kill, that we shoot at each other every day. We will relish the opportunity for new targets of our aggression. Have you forgotten history? What happened to the last people that started f*cking around with us? Remember the little yellow bastards over in Japan? We slapped them all over the Pacific and roasted about 2 million of them in their own back yard. That's what we in America call a big-ass Barbecue."

"Ever seen Texas on a map? Ever wonder why it's so big? Because we wanted it that way. Mexico started jacking around with the Alamo and now they cut our lawns. Ask your buddy Saddam about f*cking with the good ole USA. The only reason he got away the first time is because it's too hard to shoot someone when you're doubled over laughing at them."

"Our soldiers aren't trained to laugh and shoot at the same time. Now he couldn't stop a pack of cub scouts from taking over his shitty little country. Trust us, Afghanistan will end up a giant kitty litter box. Go ahead and try to hide Bin Laden. There's not a hole deep enough or a mountain high enough that's going to keep your camel riding asses safe."

"We will bomb every inch of the country that harbors him, his camps and any place that looks and even smells like he was there. Hell, we might even drop a few bombs on people that have p*ssed us off in the past. This is America - we kick ass. This is what we do. Go ahead and laugh now, but the Tomahawks are coming and we will smoke your sorry asses. God bless America."

A Guide To Politics

Feudalism:
You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

Pure socialism:
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

Bureaucratic socialism:
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.

Fascism:
You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

Pure communism:
You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

Russian communism:
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk

Dictatorship:
You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

Singaporean democracy:
You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.

Militarianism:
You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

Pure democracy:
You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

Representative democracy:
You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

American democracy:
The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate."

British democracy:
You have two cows. You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.

Bureaucracy:
You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

Anarchy:
You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.

Capitalism:
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

Hong Kong capitalism:
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly-listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt / equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the fung shiu is bad.

Environmentalism:
You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.

Feminism:
You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.

Totalitarianism:
You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

Political correctness:
You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo-centric, war-mongering, intolerant past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.

Counter culture:
Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk.

Surrealism:
You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

Libertarianism:
You have two cows. One has actually read the constitution, believes in it, and has some really good ideas about government. The cow runs for office, and while most people agree that the cow is the best candidate, nobody except the other cow votes for her because they think it would be "throwing their vote away."

Dilemma

With all your honor and dignity what would you do? This test only has one question, but it’s a very important one. Please don’t answer it without giving it some serious thought. By giving an honest answer you will be able to test where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation, where you will have to make a decision one way or the other. Remember that your answer needs to be honest. Please scroll down slowly and consider each line - this is important for the test to work accurately.

You’re in Washington. There is great chaos going on around you, caused by a hurricane and severe floods. There are huge masses of water all over you. You are a photographer and you are in the middle of this great disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You’re trying to shoot very impressive photos. There are houses and people floating around you, disappearing into the water. Nature is showing all its destructive power and is ripping everything away with it.

Suddenly you see a man in the water, he is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken away by the masses of water and mud. You move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar. Suddenly you know who it is - it’s George W Bush ! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him away, forever. You have two options. You can save him or you can take the best photo of your life. So you can save the life of George Bush or you can shoot a Pulitzer prize winning photo, a unique photo displaying the death of the country's President.

And here’s the question (please give an honest answer):

Would you select color film, or rather go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

Al Gore's New Program

Al Gore was entertaining Joe Leiberman and decided to show off his new home. Upon entering the bedroom, Joe noticed a very large wooden box with 5 empty beer cans and about $1500.00 in cash.

Out of curiosity, Joe asked ''AL, I see you're a beer drinker, I am too! you see, we DO have something in common''

With a condescending voice, Al quipped, '' yes, of course we do Joe''

Joe then asked '' Al, why the 5 empty cans and all that cash''

Al gladly told Joe about his new program. '' Joe, since last month, I have decided to turn a new leaf and become a more accountable person, while at the same time rewarding myself for my efforts. Whenever I tell a lie, I drink a beer and put the can in this box''

''That's really impressive'', Joe replied, ''only 5 beer cans in a whole month, but tell me, where did all that cash come from''?

Without missing a beat, Al responded, ''Whenever the box gets full of beer cans, I take it down to the recycling center, you know how concerned I am about environmental issues'

Bush and Gore

Bush and Gore were sitting in a restaurant to discuss the craziness of the election.

When the waitress came to take their orders, Gore said, "I'll take the steak."

When she asked Bush, he said, "I'll take the quickie."

Gore motioned for the waitress to come closer, and whispered into her ear  "He means the quiche."

Conversation...

between Condeliza Rice and George Bush featuring: Hu Jintao, President of China, UN Secretary-General Kofi Annan and the late PLO Chief Yasser Arafat.

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The Chinese guy!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That's the man's name.

George: That's who's name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yasser? Yasser Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.

Condi: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yasser is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yasser?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi?

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yasser! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

Condi (picks up the phone): Rice here.

George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?