It Was So Cold...

It was so cold... we had to stop eating with metal cutlery. Some people walked around for days with spoons or forks stuck to their tongues!
It was so cold... hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!
It was so cold... roosters were rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!
It was so cold... when I dialed 911, a recorded message said to phone back in the spring!
It was so cold... the optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses!
It was so cold... kids were using a new excuse to stay up late: "But Mom, my pyjamas haven't thawed out yet!"
It was so cold... the travel agency was advertising tropical vacations in Igloolik!
It was so cold... pickpockets were sticking their hands in strangers' pockets just to keep them warm!
It was so cold... the squirrels in the park were throwing themselves at an electric fence!
It was so cold... I chipped a tooth on my soup!
It was so cold... Grandpa’s teeth were chattering - in the glass!
It was so cold... the dogs were wearing cats!
It was so cold... Starbucks was serving coffee on a stick!
It was so cold... Levi Strauss started manufacturing electric jeans!
It was so cold... the rats were bribing the alley cats for a snuggle.
It was so cold... we had to chop up the piano for firewood - but we only got two chords.
It was so cold... we had to carry around hammers and chisels so we could get out of our parkas!
It was so cold... kids stopped worrying about acne. The new problem - goosepimples!
It was so cold... when we milked the cows, we got ice cream! When we milked the brown cows - we got chocolate ice cream!
It was so cold... words froze in the air. If you wanted to hear what someone said, you had to grab a handful of sentences and take them in by the fire!
It was so cold... the dogs had to put jumper cables on the rabbits - just to get them running!
It was so cold... Playboy magazine stopped publishing because no women would take their clothes off.
It was so cold... we pulled everything out of the freezer and huddled inside it to warm up!
It was so cold... the Husky Association was making emergency service calls to get the dog teams started!
It was so cold... when we parked the sled, we either had to plug in the dogs - or keep them running in place!
It was so cold... people with traffic tickets would plead guilty and beg for the electric chair!
It was so cold... the snowflakes froze in the air. Birds hopped from one snowflake to another to get into the trees.
It was so cold... terrorists started to stockpile weapons-grade hot chocolate!
It was so cold... the politicians had their hands in their OWN pockets!
It was so cold... beauty contestants had to draw pictures of themselves for the swimsuit competition! It was the first time talent was an asset in that event!
It was so cold... my mail broke when I tried to pry open the envelope!
It was so cold... UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii!
It was so cold... I actually enjoyed it when someone spilled scalding hot coffee on my lap!
It was so cold... Throps and Squallhoots were constantly hugging!
It was so cold... Richard Simmons started wearing pants!
It was so cold... the fake Rolex sellers were selling fake heaters! ??It was so cold... Mr. Smith's toupee turned white for the winter!
It was so cold... Mr. Bumstead's toupee took off and migrated south!
It was so cold... my dental fillings became dislodged due to the constant shivering!
It was so cold... people stopped complaining about the radioactive steam coming out of manholes!
It was so cold... the muggers were phoning in sick!
It was so cold... a streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring.
It was so cold... when I got sick - Mom had to give me a block of chicken soup!
It was so cold... the Polar Bears were buying fur coats!
It was so cold... the snowman knocked on the door and asked to sleep on the couch!
It was so cold... people with the sniffles had to suck on NyQuil popsicles!
It was so cold... we didn't clean the house - we just defrosted it!
It was so cold... you could pick up used vans cheap down at "Ice Cream Vendor Surplus".
It was so cold... my Dad was wearing golfing gloves on both hands!
It was so cold... Pamela Anderson was downgraded from "hot" to "tepid".